Paradigm Shifter

Getting over someone after a break up is never easy. There's no prescriptive method on how to do so. For a long while there existed this paradigm in my mind. This paradigm was this multi-faceted construct of everything I thought the she in my life should be. And I thought what I needed to get over someone was what I call a 'paradigm shifter'. That is someone who would come along and change my thinking on how I look at women, what I expected of them, and who would eradicate the standard of someone else that I was holding them to. But I was wrong.

It was me who had shift my own paradigm. I had to break the mold. And now I have to reconceptualize the standard. In my previous thinking about searching for a paradigm shifter, I was giving too much power away. I was expecting someone to do for me what I could have done for myself all along. I had to really sit down with myself and truly think through what it is that I want in someone, what it is that I expect, and define for myself what is my standard. I had to stop worrying about the 'what ifs' of the past and start focusing on the 'what will be' or 'who will be's' of the future. In doing so I gained more control. A greater control over what I expect to give and receive. But to get there wasn't easy and often times we're afraid to break that paradigm because its safe and familiar.

In reflection, we have to thank them for the time they spent with us. We have to appreciate, cherish, and respect the time and memories but we can't remain in 'what if' land. You have to protect your emotions and store them up for that next special person that is destined to come along. And we have to move on. We must move on. There is someone out there who requires so much more of you and to not prepare yourself for them by living in the past is to do them injustice. There's no love lost its just compartmentalized. Compartmentalized as part of my past and bears witness to the capabilities that I posses to be someone's great significant other. The breaking of the paradigm is not to be lamented over for in subscribing to the previous constraints of said paradigm, it by its very nature is severely limiting. If anything we should be inspired, for we are to be expectant to see who and what will be. I'm convinced that the magic isn't in the possibility of getting back together, it now exists in the possibility of what is to come.

-WAC, III-

On becoming a man...

It wasn't by choice that I became the bigger, better, or good man; life's circumstances demanded that I be.

-WAC, III-

Two Men Talking

This is a conversation via Blackberry Messenger that we had one day. This is pretty typical of our casual chats, hence why we started the blog.

JCox: My dude - what are your thoughts on the social norm of the responsibilities for courting falling largely to the man? E.g. man approaching the woman, paying for everything, etc
Wilmon A. Christian III: Ummm the best way to look @ it is in the traditional frame. In courting the man is implying to the woman that he will pursue, protect, and provide.
Wilmon A. Christian III: Its a picture of things to come
Wilmon A. Christian III: The best way to look @ it is Christ and the church. Its a great picture. As Christ is referred to as groom and the church as bride.
Wilmon A. Christian III: Further, Christ came from heaven to save us = pursuer. He ministered to us/gave us the 'bread' of His word provider.
Wilmon A. Christian III: He died for us saving us from eternal damnation= protector
JCox: He's also God lol. Different dynamic
Wilmon A. Christian III: Indeed He is.
JCox: Good model, but not to be interpreted as literally and without consideration of said dynamic
Wilmon A. Christian III: Right. Well as God there exists a different dynamic with 'how' he relates to us.

JCox: I take it that you are a completely traditional man, without much (if any) exception
Wilmon A. Christian III: Not necessarily. I know that I can probably cook better than most women and I'm prepared to cook for my family etc. Ummm I do like traditional courting bc for me in it there is a fulfilling quality that relates to my manhood.
Wilmon A. Christian III: I wouldn't want a woman to 'court' me w/the same dynamic reversed for gender.
JCox: Ok. But do u not see how in tying your manhood to whether or not u pay for dates with a woman LIMITS your manhood, as well as makes it impossible for some men to be a "man" by that standard?
Wilmon A. Christian III: I understand the point ur trying to get to but I never explicitly stated that I make my manhood or its extricably tied to 'paying for dates etc'.
Wilmon A. Christian III: I said there is a 'a fulfilling quality that relates to my manhood' which implies that my manhood is multidimensional
JCox: No, u didn't. But u did say that the traditional method for courting is tied to a fulfilling quality that relates to your manhood, and u also earlier mentioned that paying for dates is part of the traditional standard that u believe in
JCox: Which is tied into your idea of being a "provider"
JCox: The simple question would be: do u believe a man should pay for all dates, or be expected to do so
Wilmon A. Christian III: Well I think that ur limiting my previous statements to a narrow view of provider. I guarantee there are [brothas] who 'court' women but don't provide for them emotionally. So for me in addition to being a provider monetarily I desire to be a provider emotionally.
JCox: I didn’t intend to limit your statement, I intended to explore it. Thus the reason for the question. As you present your ideas, I inquire further, challenging what you say- simultaneously causing you to seriously consider your beliefs, and me to expand my knowledge base
JCox: In essence-- I want to see IF you have a narrow view of manhood, provider, etc.
Wilmon A. Christian III: Understood.
JCox: I believe I have a broad view of the words myself, and am glad to see that you do as well
JCox: (thumbs up)
Wilmon A. Christian III: To ur question I don't think there's an easy answer. If I say yes, that reinforces the gender norms and propagates the notion that women should be dependent on men etc etc.
JCox: Agreed.

JCox: That's what I talk to my men about in my class- expanding their view of manhood. Most of them WOULD tied their manhood solely to monetary contributions, and maybe physical defense of the woman.
Wilmon A. Christian III: If I say no, that is to deny a fundamental part of me and deny my fulfillment and joy etc as a man. I DO like providing and 'lavishing' (in a tasteful way) a woman in that manner.
Wilmon A. Christian III: Now it would over doing it to say that I NEED to pay for EVERYTHING. If she aint bringing anything to the table but her womb, what good is that for the relational aspect and for the prolonging of a potential bond beyond the birth of a child?
Wilmon A. Christian III: Now, personally I don't like thirsty girls or females that are too available. Its a turn off for me.
JCox: (thumbs up) to thirsty women. Extreme turnoff.

JCox: I wonder why that is tho-- why does it make u feel more like a man to 'lavish' and provide (monetarily, for that is what we are speaking on now) for a woman? I think the general idea is a social norm that we continue to perpetuate, and likely unnecessarily and incorrectly. In my mind, it is/should be in HUMAN nature, men and women, to want to lavish upon those you love...NOT solely bc u are a man. That to me is limiting of manhood (even if in only one small piece). It doesn't leave room for those who cannot do that. And if for at any reason you don't have that capability, then you MUST look for ways to supplement and feed your manhood in other ways (ie, lost a job ). That is what I don't like about the system
JCox: I def don't have the answer- these are just questions I ask myself all the time...and others around me. Who knows what the true "right" way of thinking is...
Wilmon A. Christian III: Ur correct tho to an extent. I def agree w/lavishing on those we love. I think we have to broaden the word 'lavish' and not limit it to $. Case n point this Christmas I was broke. Couldn't spend money on those whom I love. And I LOVE giving great gifts so I was kinda hurt that I couldn't do it. So what did I do? I lavished the heck on my family w/love, help, and support. Whatever they needed I was the first one to step up.
JCox: Yeah. (thumbs up) (thumbs up) and (thumbs up)
JCox: But we were speaking about the specific idea of money, I thought, at this point
Wilmon A. Christian III: And support them emotionally etc etc. And I never felt less of a man. In fact I felt just as fulfilled. We were talkin bout $ but I wanted to tease out and expand concept
JCox: Fa sho
JCox: Then in moving on, I am in 100% agreement. "Providing" is all about multi-level. Emotional, spiritual, monetary...whatever is necessary at any given moment
Wilmon A. Christian III: In my relations w/a woman what it boils down to for me is proper appreciation. Can she see and appreciate and protect and uplift and support me adequately as a man? Bc real talk men are fragile creatures too
JCox: Indeed
JCox: Men (as we are now) actually might be MORE fragile in my mind, in that we need to be handled much more delicately at times. We aren't socialized to be as emotionally aware as women, and we have this entire concept of manhood for which women don't have an opposite. If u don't tread lightly, u can crush a man's manhood/ego, with detrimental effects to the relationship
JCox: Men HAVE to feel like men.
Wilmon A. Christian III: And I think that women have been presented with this wack narrow view of men i.e.: oversexualized hypermasculine, etc that they forget to love, support, protect, uplift, build up their men.
JCox: Yeah, I feel it
Wilmon A. Christian III: So much so that they have their defenses up and don't give the best of themselves. Like really, I want to experience the best of one good woman and for her to experience the best of me. Not some shell of a form of sus relationship. I wanna know that she can hold my all as a man and to be secure in that place.
Wilmon A. Christian III: Where I get caught up is playing this dichotomy of being this player nupe being on the scene being 'that [brotha]' etc and being the emotional creature and desiring to share emotions w/one good quality woman.
JCox: Yeah. For me it's trying to get to the point where I can truly be my caring, giving self. Bc by playing the game all these years, I've learned that women will use the heck out of you if u come out with that too early, hence part of my philosophical stand against the status quo for dating. I'm not lavishing u with anything until I know I got a real chick who won't use me lol
Wilmon A. Christian III: Real talk. Since my break up I've been somewhat in defense mode where I've been women a dose or piece of me bc I know most women can't handle the real me who'll love the hell outta of woman.
JCox: Yeah I fell that. I'm definitely guarded
Wilmon A. Christian III: That why in that 'it' piece on the blog I said it should make me want 'involve myself with her not just on a superficial level but on an emotional level' 'it is when a woman ignites a passion in a man for him to get to really know and care about her beyond her beauty'
Wilmon A. Christian III: I do think [men] really overlook emotional security in relationships w/ women. In overlooking it, as a coping mechanism that find it or manifest it in various often negative forms

Wilmon A. Christian III: Word up. Misplaced emotion is [crazy]

JCox: Yessir. Quite wild. The cause for many a mistake in word and deed

Wilmon A. Christian III: I think we’re on the verge of being ready to become the men we espouse to be. O for grace that God by His providence would allow us to come into holy manhood

JCox: Lol. Yes we are. And one day we shall enter that place

Wilmon A. Christian III: I’ve gotta be able to talk to my son on this level. Read the proverbs, it’s a father talking to his son. And there are very powerful things and guidance not just for behavior but also for disposition and emotional relation to women

JCox: Real talk.

Learn something great today

This post is a guest post by a good friend of mine whom I call 'lil bro'. I've had the pleasure of watching this guy develop into a well poised sharp young man. Take a look at what the young scholar Themba Nelson has to offer us.

Learn something great today.

When you look at a cobbler shine a shoe they move in circular motions.  To me this means understanding the complete area around you before moving on.  When a shoe is deemed polished, the complete shoe (from heel to toe) is covered with a fresh new coat to shine.  This means having a full understanding of different areas of life will allow you to be an active voice wherever you are.  This skill is widely understood but seldom practiced.

When I came to graduate school I knew the exact career field I wanted to pursue and maintained blinders with respect to that particular career field.  From the beginning of my second semester I’ve changed my focus several times because I was not satisfied and wanted to know more.  This process is very depressing but also very rewarding.  I’m a “glass is half full” kind of guy so my focus is on the latter.

With an understanding of areas that span military administration, finance, culture relations, and standard business transactions you begin to learn so much about how the world operates in its individual sectors, and full circle, how so many starkly different auxiliaries actually work together.  This in turn shapes how you view your place in it.

To know everything about everything kind of like how your grandfather and father know everything is being a polished scholar.  Sun Tzu said it best.  “Know your enemy and know yourself and you won’t be defeated”.  You can’t know one without knowing the other.

Take this week to understand an aspect of society.  Find its power players, log it and reread your notes at the end of the month.  You might find yourself closer to the water cooler at the next gala you go to.

Reading for the month: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

-TSN-

Themba is a 2nd year law student in the J.D. program at Michigan State University. He is also a 2008 graduate of Hampton University.

What is 'it'?

When dating a female, guys give one particular answer as to why they chose not to continue the relationship:

'She just didn't have it.'

The it is that certain 'je ne sais quoi' factor that we're looking to describe or fill in. The it is that substantive umph (for lack of a better word) that a man can really sink his teeth into. To put it aptly, it's the difference in pandering for candy or indulging in the rich complexities of a well prepared meal.

But ask seven different guys what it is and you're going to get seven different answers. I've been guilty of saying a female didn't have it and although I knew what it meant, it was hard to express. So what is it? I think it for me is simple. It is an ideal that's described as having depth of substance, confidence of character, and security in self that radiates from her that makes me want to involve myself with her not just on a superficial level but on an emotional level. It is when a woman ignites a passion in a man for him to get to really know and care about her beyond her beauty.

 Keep in mind that this description is not comprehensive nor is it a prescription to go from ain't to it.

I've often been able to tell if she had it by the way she walked. I don't know how but I just knew. I believe that a female knows if she has it. Matter of fact, I like females who walk in their it. Not in a way that is ostentatious, over-stated, or beyond them but more demure like. Increasingly, I've found myself more attracted to the way a woman carries herself; the details of her personality, style (not just clothes but the way shes does everything), and sense of humor. Its the interplay between these that make it it. I think this plays a significant role in whether it is there or is not.

Such thoughts have led me to ponder if whether or not it is progressive, relative, or requisite. I don't think one can go out looking for it. It hits you smack in the face. Like walking into a glass door that you didn't realize was there. But when you get hit, slightly startled you take a step back, smile, chuckle, and realize it was there all along.

Yeah that's it.

-WAC, III-

A Man’s Meal…the French Way

This is what eating like a man (a sophisticated man) is all about. You spend a hard day at work, hit the gym after you leave the office, and then come home hungry. If you have a well-developed palette like mine, and are an amateur chef, whipping up a delectable repast is no problem. If you’re not, this meal is easy enough even you can do it. All you need is a few pans, a handful of ingredients, and 20 minutes.

This meal was inspired by the holiday I spent in Paris. Simplicity at its best: no frills, just good food, well-seasoned and cooked to perfection. And it’s easy on the wallet, too.

What you’ll need:

Two veal loin chops (only about $6-7 at your local grocery store)

1 ½ cups of your favorite pasta (I chose penne)

A bag of fresh spinach

Olive oil

A tablespoon of butter

Salt and pepper

  

How to do it right:

1. Set your oven to broil, so it can heat up while you’re cooking everything else
2. Sprinkle the chops with a bit of salt and pepper, and a drizzle of olive oil. Set aside.
3. Cook the pasta – the key is to throw in a handful of salt and some olive oil before you drop in the pasta. The salty water will do wonders.
1. Right before you are ready to drain the pasta, take a coffee mug and dip it into the pasta water – you only need about ¼ to ½ of the mug’s worth of water. Pour that into a pan over medium heat. Drop the butter to this water, and let it melt.
2. Drain the pasta, and then immediately put it in the other pan with the water and butter. Toss it around so the pasta gets coated nicely.
3. Season with a couple pinches of salt and pepper. You’re done.
4. Cook the spinach – heat up some olive oil in another pan over medium heat. Drop in about 2-3 good handfuls of spinach. Let that simmer down while you stir it occasionally. Once it’s cooked down, sprinkle with a little salt and pepper.
5. Cook the chops – put them on a broiling pan, and toss them in the oven. Let them cook for about 3 minutes on each side for a nice medium finish inside. Leave the well-done meat back in high school.
6. Throw it all on a plate, and you’re good to go!
7. Don’t forget the wine!
1. Go with a nice red wine, it pairs well with red meat. I prefer a French wine, like Bordeaux. But make sure you check the bottle! It should say Appellation Bordeaux Controlée – this indicates it’s a true French wine (the middle word lets you know what part of France it came feom). It may have just been me, but when I was in Paris, even the cheapest of wine tasted better than a fairly expensive bottle of American red wine. I do recognize that I am not a connoisseur of fine wines yet, but I have tasted a decent amount, ranging from the kind that comes in a bag to $35-40 bottles, and I must say – the French have this one.

Follow this simple recipe and you’ll never be sad. Switch it up some – use steaks or cuts or pork, or vary the past – the recipe should work well with just about anything. Hey, if you practice enough, you might even be able to whip out your new-found skills for your lady. Because hey: what’s good enough for the (sophisticated) man is good enough the true lady.

-JMC-

The Languages of Love

I am a man who believes that we define much of ourselves through the relationships we have with others. Be they platonic, romantic or familial, we seek truth in these interactions with other people. Many of us, however, fail to divine the most fundamental of secrets to lasting, healthy relationships. Two of these I have discovered to be unfailingly true, but so simple in nature they elude us like the wisps of dreams dissipating in the morning when we first awake. The first: know thyself. You must always seek to deeply and intimately know who you are – for if you don’t even know yourself, how can you expect anyone else to know you? The second: seek first to change yourself, before seeking to change another. In other words, become the person you want to find. These concepts are so simple, yet even the most potent of minds among us rarely engage with them. I attempt to live these principles out daily, a challenging task, yet one at which I refuse to fail.

A good way to start on this journey of both knowing yourself and becoming the person which you would like to find is to learn about the 5 Love Languages. Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book many years ago about this concept of love languages. As he purports, there are 5 love languages which we all speak to varying degrees: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Many of the problems we run into in relationships are because we do not understand that we primarily speak a different love language than the person with whom we are engaged in the relationship. When we understand these differences, and learn that in order to make the other person feel appreciated and loved we must speak their love language, our relationship is almost magically better. I’ve read the book a couple of times – it’s quite an easy read, but very powerful if you are willing to let the message sink in. It helps not only with romantic relationships, but with friendships, work relationships, and families.

If you want to get a quick taste without going out and buying the book, check out the 5 Love Languages website. Take the assessment – it only takes about 10-15 minutes, but in the time it takes you to check Facebook a couple of times you can have information that can help change your life. Give it a try, and encourage those important people in your life to do so as well. You’ll be on the path towards personal success with relationships in no time.

-JMC-