What Lies Within...

How often do we lie to ourselves?

For most of us, it is every single day. But the interesting thing about the lies we tell ourselves is that they are much more subtle and believable than the lies we tell other people. Think about it. The majority of us have at one point or another lied to our parents – it may have been a “little white lie,” something that really didn’t matter that much – but it was a lie none the less. When your mother asked you who ate one of the cookies off the counter before dinner, you looked her deep in the eyes and told her, “The dog did it,” all the while licking the chocolate chip off the back of your teeth. That lie was blatant – you know ate that cookie. It was hardly believable – your mother knew the likelihood that you ate that cookie was very high, whether she chose to really believe you or not. Not so with the lies we tell ourselves. Think about everything you had to consider before you told your mom that lie: you had to weigh whether or not she would actually believe you, and whether or not it was worth simply telling the truth. You had to search through every mental file you had about your mother, her past experiences with you (or the dog), her gullibility, her naivety. Now think about how much better you know yourself, and therefore how much more you have to consider before lying to yourself.

When it comes to lying to ourselves effectively, the best example I can think of is the movie Inception. In the movie, Leonardo’s character posits that you can place an idea inside the mind of another person, but in order to do that, you must place the idea so deep within their psyche that they believe it was not only plausible, but their own original idea. When we lie to ourselves we are practicing inception. We travel deep down into our own subconscious, sometimes multiple levels down, in order to plant the lie – so subterraneously that by the time it actually reaches the surface of our mind, we believe it to be true. That’s why it’s so easy sometimes to forget that you actually lied to yourself in the first place. The lie is such a subtle, fragile thing, so deeply rooted that we honestly believe it is infallible truth. Until we experience what in Inception they called a “kick,” or an event so jarring that it dislodges that planted lie and jolts us back to reality.

Lying to yourself is dangerous. When you discover that it is possible, you start down a slippery slope, where you find yourself lying to that person in the mirror more and more. And yet the most interesting thing about lies we tell ourselves is that we never look into a mirror to tell them! If we were to actually stand in front of a mirror and attempt to lie to ourselves, it wouldn’t work. Lying, by its nature, means that you make a conscious decision to not see the truth, to look in any direction but at the truth. Seeing the truth means that you see things as they truly are, and a mirror will always show you just that. The next time you want to lie to yourself, I challenge you to stand in front of a mirror, and speak the lie aloud to yourself. I promise you that you will not be able to do it. That is because the lies we tell ourselves always start as a completely internal process. The lies we tell ourselves, at their inception, are so fragile, so delicate, that to give them voice would cause them to burst in the air like soap bubbles. Speaking them out loud means that we risk hearing them for all of their incredulity. So we keep them deep within ourselves, speaking them only with that soft, gentle internal voice. Only once we have let them take root in ourselves, and grow and feed on our negligence, do we chance speaking them aloud – and it’s almost always to someone else before we ever have the gall to say them aloud to ourselves.

So why do we do it? Why do we go through so much trouble to not only avoid the truth, but to cultivate a lie deep within ourselves, to the one person most likely to uncover it, knowing that at any moment we could experience that kick that rushes us unforgivingly out of our dream into reality? Perhaps it is because the truth, although it requires much less effort, is often something we are too fearful to face. We are scared to death of the truth. It takes a person with real strength of character and emotional fortitude to unshakingly face the truth. The truth will put you in your place. The truth will knock you off your high horse. The truth will cut you down with no remorse. But the truth will also set you free…

Too often I have lied to myself. I’ve done it so smoothly I barely knew I was doing it. I’ve become so adept at lying to myself that when I finally do see the truth, I find that swallowing that pill is like trying to swallow a boiled egg whole – I almost choke to death with the effort. Sometimes I say that the truth is too hard to face. It’s too difficult, too painful, or too unbelievable. “That can’t be true.” But in reality, I think it’s that I’m just too scared to face the truth. To see things as they truly are, to see myself as I really am, scares the life out of me. But I must see the truth. I must see myself as I really am. The more I admit and accept the truth, the more powerful I become. Sure, there is pain involved, and fear involved. But if I brave the tumultuous waters of the truth, on the other side there is peace, and understanding, and above all, freedom. Truth lights the way to me truly becoming the man I know I am destined and called to be. But only I can turn on the lights.

-JMC-

Greater Good

Surround yourself with people that call you to your greater good.

-WAC, III-

Swagger in the academy

I remember when I really started latching onto the idea that being smart is cool. The more I bit into this concept, the greater the search for an adjective to describe how awesome I found this idea to be. It happened sometime between my sophomore and junior year at Hampton University. Somehow, some way my intellectual faculties were jarred awake and heightened. They had lain dormant in a passive state and at most times were an external reference only to be accessed on very rare occasions. In high school I never saw myself as an intellectual and thought my contributions to classroom discussion were not to of value. In retrospect I wished that I could have been or made myself smarter. More intellectual. More challenging. More out spoken and less accommodating. Not that I may outdo or prove anything to anyone but for myself.  It didn't help that my predominantly white high school presented me with a narrow, nil, and at most times absent figure of what a black intellectual looked like.


In reflection I think it would have been impossible for me to blossom there because at that time I perceived the environment to not be intellectually nurturing nor calling forth my greatest good as a student. Probably because I found myself in defense and survival mode as I tersed the landscape.

So fast forward to HIU. There I was; right in the middle history, heritage, pride, tradition, and scholarship. Suffice it to say that Hampton was my dream school and lived up to the menagerie of embedded images in my mind posited by School Daze and A Different World. Little did i know that this impression would have profound implications for future academic success.

Being a first generation student, college was very new to me. I drunk in every experience presented as a nursing babe desperate for a bottle. There came a point when those nutrients transformed into intellectual capital/muscle and I found myself articulate and was able to see myself outside of myself waxing strong in logic, reason, deduction, and scholarship. I found myself being immersed in conversation able to retort and sift through sensation to find substance which produced a confidence not attainted before. I was most amused with the command of vocabulary that I was acquiring and my inclination to dispense it at will. I mostly saw this occurrence happening in either the classroom and in my peer interaction. It was healthy for me that this experience was coated in black for it enabled me to have a deep appreciation for academics because no longer was the concept of a black intellectual foreign, it was internalized.

I write this post so as not to attract attention to myself or so that people can laude me. It is far from that. I invite you to this narrative intending to call attention to an experience that I believe should be happening in the academy, home, and in daily life. Being a graduate student has made me to think how I might be better able to encourage, cultivate, and impart this skill to others. More personally I thought about my younger sister and how growing up I wished I had expressed more often that it’s ok to be smart and intellectual. Heck it even looks good on you. But then I jumped back to the time in my memory when being smart wasn't so cool. When using words such as 'deft' and 'adept' would garner strange looks of bewilderment. And I thought. I thought.

Who was the person who made it 'uncool' to be smart?

Why is the problem pervasive in the black community and often manifests itself in a negative aspirations to post-secondary education?

Then I got it. Through observation of interactions, media, and conversations I'm repeatedly told that it’s preferred and more cool to live out the stereotypes often found on the local 3 letter cable station and 3 letter athletic association. But, allow me if you will to present you with this thrill, I guarantee you will have greater time dismantling, escaping, and breaking stereotypical limitations while creating new knowledge in the process.

I'm beyond convinced that TV, internet, video games, etc. lulls youth into stupor and distraction. But they aren't solely to blame. We who have been educated have a duty that we aren't living up to which is to call the younger generation to their greater good. The key is engagement, not a dumbing down to make something relevant. I ask you, how do we engage our youth and also one another so as to make scholarship relevant again? How do we imbue them with a sense of aspiration that translates into intellectual swagger in the academy? We have to go back to creating cultures of literacy. It’s easier said than done and at best a far off wishful thought. I know such an idea is unfathomable today because instantaneous gratification rules our society. This short sightedness tells people what to think as opposed to how to think.

I move that we become more outcome oriented. Be intentional and nurture potential. Suggest a book to a youth that you've read and are familiar with.

But FYP (for your polishing), I would be remiss if I didn't leave you with this: Go get lost. Yeh. Go get lost in a library.

When is the last you've been to the library strictly for recreational purposes?

-WAC, III-

How Do You Know?

Yesterday, in the course I teach for Black men, we talked about relationships. As part of that discussion, I had the men write out lists of what they felt was their ideal woman, the woman they ultimately want. After they constructed their lists, I asked them two questions. The first: is the type of woman they detailed the type of woman they actively pursue? The second: are they currently (or at least intensely striving to become) the type of man that would attract that woman? As we all pondered these questions, a third was presented, which resonated within me: how do you know when you have found this person?

Indeed. How do you know when you have found the person who fits your ideal, who possesses those things which you desire? It seems like such a simple question, and at the surface, the answer is exceedingly simple. If you desire someone who is motivated, health-conscious, and wise concerning money, you observe them and see if what they do. If they are self-starters who are actively seeking promotions and new avenues to express their purpose in life, they don’t eat a lot of junk and don’t spend their paycheck on clothes before they pay their bills, then you’ve found them! Done. But what happens when you dig a little deeper? Say you want someone who is intelligent, has a relationship with God, and is family-oriented. How do you define “intelligence?” What does it look like? Are they brainiacs who can answer 90% of the questions on Jeopardy correctly? Are they formally educated, or can they read a lot and always seek knowledge yet never have attended college? How is a relationship with God manifested? Does it mean going to church every Sunday and reading the Bible? Or can it be never going to a formal place of worship but always in constant communication with God via meditation and reflection? And what if they have no family? Or a hurtful, broken family with whom they do not want to associate – but they still desire a healthy one of their own? When you really begin to deconstruct the idea of “knowing” when you’ve found your ideal, it becomes much more complicated and convoluted.

I am a firm believer that everyone should have a “list.” We should all take the time to detail to ourselves what it is that we expect and desire. But it should be a loose concept, one that we continue to revisit and analyze. Our list should grow and change as we do – and in many cases, the growth results in removal of certain things we hold to be ideal. As we learn ourselves, and become wiser, we realize that many things we thought we wanted are not as necessary as once believed. At some point (hopefully), our lists will become much more reasonable and focused, until we are left with only bare essentials – those items that will truly lead to our happiness, and not at the expense of excluding the very person who was destined for us. But we also need to critically think about how we know when we have found that individual, lest we let them go unknowingly.

This is one of those (many) instances where I do not have a concrete answer to the question I pose. But for me, the acceptance, recognition and subsequent exploration of the question is the key to unraveling its mysteries. By seriously asking yourself, “how do I know when I’ve found that one,” and critically examining that question, you bring yourself that much closer to finding the answer. I have a list. I examine it periodically, with fresh eye and mind. And each time I do, and combine that with this new question, my list becomes a little more realistic, a little more attainable, and I get bring myself ever closer to finding the elusive “one.”

-JMC-

Lay it down. Take it off.

A conversation with my colleague prompted me to do some real thinking in terms of my disposition in general and in particular my attitude and approach toward women. Granted this conversation wasn't about that subject matter entirely, but one or two things my bro said in the convo spurred me to really think.

I was considering how that as a guy I at times lack humility and grace in my dealings with the opposite sex. I often present this persona that is chock full of a sense of entitlement as if she owes me something. A presence or performed swagger that seeks to attract her interest in me in order to vaunt myself up and not for the sake of truly getting to know her for her. Combine that with the air of expectancy that I've been carrying around and it proves to be a volatile mix. But alas, I had a moment to think. A moment to reflect. A moment when things started to click and make sense in a different way than they had before. Realizing that at the end of the day, no person owes you anything and that matters of divining and holding the attention of another are not to be taken lightly. I thought about the need for more grace, more consideration, more humility, more honor, more intentionality, less entitlement, less pretension, and less non-chalance in my dealings. Why? Because she's a lady. A lady just like my mom, sisters, and nieces whom I love dearly and wouldn't dare think of treating in a manner less than befitting of the queens I hold them to be. A lady who by that very virtue is owed a type of respect. Although she may not be the potential Mrs. Christian she's still a lady. And I need to be appreciative that this lady (whomever she is and whenever she appears) has decided to give me the time of day.

With this thought in mind I began to prescribe a course of action for myself. It reads as follows:

• I need to stop acting non-chalant and cool as if women don't matter because they do.
• I need to stop fronting like I've got it all together because I don't.

I thought about how in my not having it all together, she on some level decides to deal with me. The how and why of which I sometimes don't even understand. Because some days I catch a glimpse of how fallible I really am or better yet, how many poor choices over the course of 26 years I have made. How there's a thin line between confidence and arrogance and I often get caught up in making the two indistinguishable. How my pride often gets in the way of any purity that I may posses. How my ego blocks my emotions and how playing it cool has closed as many doors as its opened.

More often than not, there comes a time when you have to lay down your pride and take off your cool. Lay it down. Take it off.

And I got to thinking that just as no amount of education or 'coolness' will ever surmount the fact that above all else I'm my mom's son the same holds true with women. No amount of this or that will eradicate the fact that above all else I'm a guy who is prone to making mistakes and doing things that no amount of pride or cool can cover. And although I may clean up nicely it only serves to make a good presentation but underneath I'm still fallible me. If she chooses to deal with me after peering through my limited concealment, then I need to be ok that she can deal with the not so cool me that she so happens to find well, cool.

-WAC, III-

A Woman's Perspective

I was having a conversation today (via Google Chat) about this blog. Albeit short, it was a good conversation, in which my friend made some poignant observations. One of the comments she made was that although the blog had “interesting points,” she thought it needed woman’s voice. She noted that she does not often see herself “in conversations from men relating to men.” I pointed out that the blog is not specific to men, or even about men, but I did take her observation to heart, and have been considering it since.

I will agree: within this blog, the voices of women are not present – but I am not a woman. Nor is my fellow Polished Scholar. As such, we cannot give voice to women, nor would we be so arrogant or foolish as to try. I write from my perspective, with my voice. I explore and detail my own thoughts about a myriad of topics, adding to the existing discourse. I can no more speak from the experience of a woman than I can from a white person, a war veteran, a Republican, or a giraffe. That is not my point of reference. I merely provide my piece of the puzzle, my narrative. And with that narrative, I shed light on one more section of the entire puzzle, the entire tapestry that is human existence. Yes, everyone should have a voice, and the subjects which are explored in this blog should be weighed in on by a female perspective. But I should not be the one writing that. My suggestion? Women, speak up! Write! Blog about your experiences and your thoughts, from your unique point of view. How richer the lives of all would be if everyone explored their ideas and desires and lives, and put it out for the world to see! There certainly are women who are doing this (see Bella's Blog), and I applaud them. For the rest of you – men and women, young and old, Black and white – share your stories, and we will all grow and learn together, quilting together the fullness that is humanity.

-JMC-

The life examined

Reflection. Thorough examination of yourself. It's testy. Scary. Heady. Dissonant. But one has to know their self. Sometimes life presents us with situations where we're splayed open and split in two. Situations where previous thinking is rendered irrelevant or is at worst shattered. This shattering gives us a rare chance in this transient life to look at the pieces. To really examine them. To scrutinize them. A rare opportunity to look at you; to see what you're really made of. Look at it. Understand it. Know it. Own it.

Sometime life's circumstances at times will drive us to go into ourselves. This experience can be either good or bad but hopefully the outcome is positive. Hopefully you emerge a better person. Be cautioned not to withdraw so much into yourselves that you get lost and can't re-emerge. Much like the body intrinsically has what it needs to heal when cut, likewise does the mind. And those qualities won't be activated until demanded upon to do so.

There comes points when we are in conflict with ourselves. Times where don't always act on what we know. Sometimes we fall short of being what we say we're all about. This confusion about ourselves can easily give way to doubt. I however surmise if not challenge us to move beyond the battle of the dichotomy between thought and action to overcoming and conquering with knowledge and definition.

For me knowledge of myself is only revealed through knowing God. In knowing and cultivating this relationship I have an opportunity to know what the Creator intends for me, what He says about me, what He has articulated in his word as definition for things in my life of which I am uncertain. Knowledge that says as much of a good man that I think I am, no goodness of my own can ever compare or do anything to warrant the goodness that God extends toward me.  When life brings about confusion or fleeting moments that seem unclear, I'm kindly reminded of the words in Jer 29:11 that He knows the plans He has has for me and those are good and for His glory. For God is ultimately and always good. Anything that He allows to happen in my life, regardless of how I feel, is for my good and ultimately for His glory.

Does this mean that I should wallow in the unclarities of my life, that more grace may abound? No. In wrestling to understand and in seeking, I am to act on what I already know. Though I don't always understand me; wretched and depraved me, He does. Apart from Him, I by myself have no sense of purpose. I have no sense of a greater good that exist because even on my best day I'm still prone to failure and depravity that makes no sense. Any good that I exhibit is a result of knowing Him and His purpose being hammered out in me.

-WAC, III-

A Note on Speaking Correctly

Certain little things bother me, because they indicate either laziness or a lack of basic education. An untied shoe. Excessively wrinkled clothing. And the worst of all, unintelligible speech. Here are 3 seconds worth of tips when talking.

Words to Avoid:

1. Expecially (there is no X in 'especially')
2. Irregardless (if you look in the dictionary, it says "nonstandard" - meaning not a proper word)
3. Sallmon (it is pronounced sa-men - no 'l' sound)
4. Pacifically (you mean "specifically" - take your time and pronounce the 's')

You may not think it's a big deal, but people are listening. Yes, in a group of people, someone is unfortunately bound to mispronounce one of these words - just make sure it isn't you.

-JMC-