A Made Up Mind

Liberate yourself from the tyranny of double mindedness.

-WAC, III-

Self-Help

“Know thyself.”

I’ve always been a very introspective person. I’ve spent countless hours evaluating my life, from the macro to the micro, using broad strokes to assess patterns and a scalpel to investigate even the smallest layers of what others might deem insignificant events. I thoroughly enjoy breaking down my thoughts and reasons, my perceptions, things that happen to me and things I elect into. Of course there have been many times where, after much deliberation, I realized I was borderline obsessing or making something much more than it needed to be – but the vast majority of the time, this process I find myself engaged in leads to positive gains for me. I improve myself. I understand myself a little deeper. And I set myself up to be able to make better choices in the future.

I am definitely a self-help kind of guy. I’ve always loved taking personality tests, and I’ve probably taken as many on the web as exist, from the more jovial “What Kind of Dog Are You?” and “What’s Your First-Date Style?” to the more serious and reputable Myers Briggs Type Indicator and other similar assessments. I’ve taken work style assessments, conflict style assessments, and countless others. I also love books that help your understand yourself better so that you can understand others better, and therefore have more positive relationships. Some of my favorites are Personality Plus (Florence Littauer), The 5 Love Languages (Gary Chapman), and The 5 Languages of Apology (Gary Chapman). All 3 are very easy reads, and easy to absorb. They all start with the same premise – understanding yourself first, which, again, is key for me. One of the best things about all of them is that you don’t have to be in a relationship to utilize their principles. Most people I think associate these things with romantic relationships, particularly the books about love languages. But “love” is really a function of any relationship. Understanding these principles will help you with ALL of your relationships, platonic, familial, or otherwise. I try to use some of the things I learned with any relationship I have, particularly if I truly care about the person in some way, and appreciate the relationship we have. But again, it all starts internally, with me exploring myself.

I think everyone should adopt the mentality of self-help. Learn yourself! Take the time to try and better yourself. Lately, I’ve adopted the belief that everyone should be engaged in trying to address at least one major flaw in themselves at all times (and until you become practiced at doing this, you will likely be able to only concentrate effectively on one thing at a time). In order to do this, however, you need to know what your flaws are, and that takes serious consideration. The truly reflective person will take a combination of what they deduce from their own intrinsic observations and what other people tell them about themselves – friends AND enemies. Both are useful. This does not mean that you should always fully accept what others say about you as truth – but it does mean that you shouldn’t immediately dismiss it. A good barometer is often this: if more than one person says the same thing, it’s probably true, if not in fact than at least in perception. Since perception is reality, I tend to put a lot of stock in it. This is often where most of us get stuck – we don’t like to hear bad things about ourselves, let alone admit that they are true! But this is a key phase, and you need to be strong enough of character to admit that you have a flaw. After you establish a flaw (or an area where you need some improvement, if that sounds better to you), get to work on it! Investigate ways in which you can better yourself in this area, then put them into practice. As with anything change, you need to realize that you will not turn it around in a day (or even a month, necessarily) – be OK with this. Anything worthwhile takes time, and effort. As you actively work on this, give yourself credit for small accomplishments, it will help you continue. Keep your checking mostly internal – that is to say, keep track of your own progress by yourself, with yourself. You can ask friends how you are doing occasionally, but if you do a couple things can happen: 1) they may expect more speedy change than you are capable of; and 2) they may tire of you asking them if you’re “better” than you were before every time you think you’ve done something a bit differently than you “used to.”

What are you working on? For me, current projects include my natural tendency to argue (read “debate,” not the more common negative association of the word), whether that manifests itself as me trying to convince the other person that I’m right and he/she is wrong, or that I always need to say “something” back, as opposed to simply accepting what the other person has to say (whether I agree or not). It’s important to remember that not everything you want to better about yourself has to be in relation to other people – you can seek to improve something solely for your own benefit. I am quite an indecisive person. I’m working on trying to be more decisive, something that typically doesn’t affect other people, but is beneficial for me.

The intelligent, well-rounded, mature person is always seeking ways to better him- or herself. Once you’ve begun on this road, you will see that by improving yourself, you automatically improve everything and everyone around you.

-JMC-

An Interesting Thought...

It is an interesting thing when someone is simultaneously your reason for breathing and the reason you can't breathe.

-JMC-

Things Come Together: A Word of Appreciation

One of the greatest pleasures I have ever experienced is the ability to occasionally sit back and reflect on how so many things in my life have lined up just right, and come together beautifully. It is in these moments that I am most keenly aware of the hand of God in my life, and in these moments I can do nothing but raise my arms in praise and thanksgiving. Some of the things in my life have lined up so perfectly it could not possibly have been accidental. It’s like one of those intricate domino structures, where each domino has to be set up precisely so it knocks over the next in line, or the entire thing won’t work. The Divine hand in my life has set up these dominoes, and put them in places and times so obscure I never saw their order, until I stumbled (directed) into the next piece, and the next set fell over, revealing another portion of the elaborate and beautiful portrait that will be my life.

There are so many instances of this it would take pages to name them all, so I will only describe a few. God saw fit for me to go to Hampton University, so He made that happen. Hampton wasn’t even on my radar until a friend in high school told me they were the only Black school with a sailing team, which I thought was amazing. I applied to about 11 schools, and got into all, with full-ride scholarships to 9 (which would later become a significant number in my life, in more ways than one). Originally, I didn’t even have the full ride to Hampton; when I visited, they said my SAT scores were only sufficient to get me a partial scholarship. I was crushed, and almost walked away in defeat. But God had a plan. In a matter of seconds, the admissions counselor took a second look at my application, and noticed that my ACT scores were high enough to qualify me for the highest scholarship Hampton provided, and she offered it to me on the spot. Domino.

While at Hampton, I decided that I wanted to pledge Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc. Excluding a couple of my father’s siblings on the West Coast, the majority of my family who is Greek, including my mother, are Blue and White. Furthermore, the year I wanted to pledge the chapter of Kappas on campus was suspended, as stated for a period of no less than 5 years. There was no way I would become a Kappa while at Hampton. But God had a plan. My senior year, the moratorium was lifted, and the Kappas were able to have intake – I was blessed to be one of those few who was not only chosen, but, humbly, highly sought-after. Domino.

During this process, I was looking at graduate schools. I had applied to 9 schools. One day randomly, I got a call from an administrator about a visiting professor who was doing some research on high-achieving Black males, and wanted to interview me. Through the interview, it came out that I was pledging Kappa at the time – the professor was a Kappa himself. It also came out that I was interested in higher education – he worked as a professor in a higher ed program – but that I had not applied to his institution, The Pennsylvania State University. He immediately got on the phone with his colleague (in the midst of the interview), and set up several interviews for me during their interview weekend, to which only select individuals were even invited. The result was that prior to ever actually submitting an application for the program, I was extended an offer as one of 9 new cohort members in the #1 program for student affairs in the nation. Domino.

When I finally crossed as a member of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc., I was number 9 on the line. There were many good men on my line, most of which I had been friends with for years. But one particular line brother of mine, the number 4, would become one of my best friends as we continued our journeys outside the walls of Hampton University. As we continued to grow in the Bond together, we found out that our lives were, in many ways, maps of such concurrent properties that one could lay his over the top of the other’s and, without much deviation, trace a line through. Into Hampton, through the Student Leadership Program, Delta Pageants, the crown of Mr. Hampton and Kappa, and now the line has been rejoined once again through the Master’s degree program at Penn State. Our visions have lined up so much that we see many of the same goals, our ideologies so in tune that although we write as two separate authors on this blog, many confuse us for one voice. The Polished Scholars. If that isn’t a Divine hand laying out the dominoes perfectly, I don’t know what is. I would also be remiss if I did not say publically that I thank God for having the foresight and wisdom to send me a brother, in many senses of the word, with whom I could align myself on this journey through manhood and success. Always a receptive ear, a thoughtful ponderance, and an encouraging word. I see myself in him, and the reaffirmation that there are forward-thinking, reflective and good brothers out there – we DO exist. I am excited to see what God has in store for him, and to see what God will achieve through us, as we confront and revolutionize the way we deal with our future wives, children, and anyone else God sees fit to place in our paths.

Truly I believe the scripture – Psalms 37:23: “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.” My steps are ordered, even when I can’t see them. One look back over my life at all that was not supposed to happen, but did, proves this to me. And I can only continue to offer thanksgiving to the One who orders my steps, and walk forward boldly and with excited anticipation, seeing where next my steps will lead.

-JMC-