Readiness

read·i·ness / ˈredēnis / Noun

1. Willingness to do something

2. The state of being fully prepared for something

Lately I’ve been thinking about the idea of readiness. As you can see in the definition above, this encompasses being willing and prepared for something – in the case of my recent thoughts, that something is lifelong commitment to another individual, in terms of a romantic relationship. We often use this word – readiness – in one of its forms when classifying our state of mind about relationships. “I’m just not ready to be in a committed relationship.” I myself have used this logic on many occasions in the past, whether as an indication of my true beliefs about myself at the time, or (sadly) as a loose justification for extracting myself from some no-longer-desired situation.

As I’ve pondered the idea of readiness, I noticed a slow shift in my thinking. Historically, I’ve always used this noun to describe an internal process which was largely outside of my locus of control. In other words, there was something inside of me which prevented me (developmentally) from being ready for a serious, committed relationship, but I had no real way of changing or affecting that – I simply had to wait until I became ready. Certainly there is some truth to that. When I was younger I lacked maturity in many areas, and arguably only time and experience could remedy that. But increasingly I see this elusive “ready” as something much more within my sphere of direct influence – I am beginning to believe that I control whether I am ready or not. To tie it back into the definition, I much more strongly believe now that the first definition is the most important when speaking to relationships: willingness to do something. Will is entirely internal and controllable (except in extreme cases, like mental instability). You decide whether or not you have the will to do anything. And following that line of thinking, you decide when you are ready to be in a serious, committed relationship.

Do not mistake me: there is most definitely validity to the idea that even if one is willing, he or she lacks something that enables them to be fully prepared. You may be willing to run a marathon, but if you have not made the necessary preparations (training, buying the shoes, finding and entering the race, etc.), you will find yourself unready. For a more poignant example, consider this: you may be willing to drive a car – but if you have not turned the legal age, learned how to drive, and passed the driver’s exam, you will not only be unprepared (unready), you may drive that car to the detriment of yourself and others. In the same way, you may be willing to be in a serious relationship…but you may not be ready developmentally. You may not have a firm grasp of who you really are, you may have unresolved issues with family or friends, you may be far too selfish – any number of internal things on which you need to work prior to attempting to develop an external relationship with someone else (and as with the example about the car, if you enter into a serious relationship, you may do this to the detriment of yourself of the other person). I do believe that you can be willing, but truly not ready. But I also believe that far too often we shift cause and blame callously and immaturely out of our personal spheres of influence, placing the onus on any and everything but ourselves.

I propose that you are the only one who can truly decide when you are ready. As I have said more and more often of late to my good friend, we decide when are ready; there is no magical point in the distant future where we will suddenly wake up and be ready. For me now, being ready is a state of mind, it is that willingness. Cast aside your immediate reactions – of fear and apprehension, or rejection – and really think about what this would mean, if you accepted that you decided when you were ready. How powerful does that make you? You’ve just snatched back untold influence over your own life, your own actions. You are no longer helpless and dependent, waiting for some abstract moment that always seems just outside of your reach. You have the control, and can take yourself wherever you see fit. Imagine that. I am also a huge proponent of transferability – this idea of readiness has applicability in much more than just romantic relationships. Schools. Jobs. Relocations. Any significant change you have been debating, but that you’ve been putting off until the time was right, until you were ready. I postulate that if you are willing to open your thinking up, to shift your ideas of readiness so that it focuses on you and puts control into your hands instead of on some external time that may never come, you will find that your entire approach to life changes significantly. You may find that you are ready – you may find that you are not – but whichever you choose, you will be that much more at peace with the choice, because you know that you decided your own fate.

-JMC-

What kind of man would I be?

Turning 27 nearly two weeks ago afforded me yet another opportunity to reflect. This time around I thought about what it means to be a young (I use that word loosely) black man at 27. Moreover, I thought about the 'how' and the 'what' of me coming into a most critical time in my life and engaged them from an analytical view of what it means to be black man at 27.

Flooded with thoughts prompted from conversations with friends and the experiences of my life, the following is a list of sorts involving choices, thoughts, and pivotal points of direction that could have led me one way or another. In no particular order of significance I share these so as to draw careful consideration on where you were at this time in your life if you so happen to identify with any of the sentiments below.

So read, reflect, think, and discuss.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't admit when I'm wrong? But beyond admitting fault, seek to make it right. Beyond restitution, learn to seek forgiveness and simultaneously learning to forgive.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't learn to maintain and seek integrity in every situation? Even at the cost of public approval and the lauds of the fickle, remain steadfast in what is right and what I hold to be true.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't know my limitations? Boundaries promote a concentration of sorts but more so understanding that I am not called to be like the next man nor am I to even covet after his innate capabilities.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't have goals and set a vision for my life? In doing so with guidance from the Almighty, the trajectory for my life is set. Therefore I plan my work and work my plan.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't acknowledge my emotions? But beyond acknowledgement there is reconciliation, and where there is reconciliation there is application which therefore gives causation for the mastery of the emotional components of my life.

What kind of man would I be if I gave in to every whim of temptation? Temptation is nothing more than an appealing to the senses to do wrong in spite of what we know to be right.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't treat my mother as the queen that she is and support the needs of my family? In doing so I learn first hand how to treat women right and to develop unadulterated loyalty and the support necessary to raise a family.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't seek to make wise decisions?

What kind of man would I be if I didn't pray?

What kind of man would I be if I didn't have good friends? People who know me well enough to think my thoughts after me. Who push me to success and call me to my greatest good.

What kind of man would I be if I weren't educated? A good friend of mine says that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Who would I be and where would I be if I didn't read and engage in meaningful discussion? What kind of man would I be if I didn't actively learn to shun ignorance?  If I didn't challenge myself intellectually to be better tomorrow than I am today.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't make myself accessible?

What kind of man would I be if I didn't love? Love not on a superficial level similar to lust but on a deep level whose rewards are immense but also valuable enough to be shared.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't take care of myself? Where would I be if I didn't have a commitment to health, living well, and maintaining a certain quality of life?

What kind of man would I be if I didn't learn to be by myself ? In learning to be by myself I develop a healthy sense of love myself for myself and come into greater understanding of myself. It's here where I learn to laugh at myself, to not take myself so seriously but always looking at myself as a continual work in progress moving from to good to greater.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't strive to be single minded in matters? If I didn't learn to observe and consider all viewpoints but commit myself to make sound decisions.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't learn to take my time? To value quality over frequency. To invest in the long term and prepare myself to work to generate the greatest outcome.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't understand that 'No' is sometimes an even greater answer than yes? To be comfortable with saying no but wise and most of all graceful in its application.

What kind of man would I be if I weren't sensitive to the needs of others? Learning when to put the needs, wants, aspirations, and desires of others before my own.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't learn to listen more than I speak? But when asked, be available to give an answer worth listening to.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't learn to step away? Not in defeat but in knowing that healing for myself is more important than a victory won with many detrimental scars. More importantly knowing when not to win at the wrong battles.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't know that humility and grace go hand in hand? That I should be readily able to dispense both in voluminous amounts and to receive in a manner likewise. What kind of man would I be if I didn't seek to set aside pride, ego, and pretension?

These are a few things that I've thought amount most recently. This piece is subject to change as I continue to grow.I'll probably revisit this subject matter again, however in the mean time as you grow and develop I implore you to think about who you are becoming.

Let us not come into who we are without pondering carefully the makings that give meaning to our lives.

-WAC, III-