Of late, I have often found myself discussing the idea of dating outside of one’s race. Certainly this is an idea that deserves attention in present times. If you look around, whether on the streets around you or in the media, you can see that it is an increasing phenomenon to see mixed-race couples. There are a plethora of reasons for this, none of them any less valid than another. The world is shrinking, mostly due to social media and the ability to connect with anyone at any place around the world via the internet. Minority populations in the U.S. are steadily becoming the majority, and there is an ever-growing international presence within our borders as well. While there are irrefutably still very segregated places throughout America, there are many cities and neighborhoods where there is a good mixture of people from different backgrounds and cultures; as a result, some of the children from these areas are growing up with diversity and difference being the norm. It follows that as they grow older, they may not view dating outside of their race as out of the ordinary. Whatever the real reason (or reasons), more and more mixed-race couples are popping up, and as a result more and more people are considering this as an option.
As I contemplate this idea myself, I find myself in an interesting position, one riddled with internal conflict, particularly in light of my choice of job in multicultural affairs. I believe that people should be free to date whomever they choose, and be free to do so without persecution. But even within this belief, I know that I have levels and limits, particularly for myself. As a person of color, in particular a Black man, I believe I would be ok dating outside of my race…as long as it was another person of color. I cannot see myself dating a white woman – even to the point of saying that will not date a white woman. I classify (or justify?) it as a preference, based largely on mutual interest, understanding, and experiences – and I can’t ignore the phenotypical aspects as well. I’ll explain both. To the first point (mutual interest, understanding, and experiences): another person of color is much more likely to understand my experiences as a Black man, and have congruent ideas and interests because of this understanding. A white woman is far less likely to align with me along these issues, as her status in American society affords her the opportunity to not have to deal with the same struggles as a person of color. It is important to note that racial/ethnic identity is not an absolute indicator that a person will understand or even sympathize with the experience of minorities in America – but it does significantly increase that individual’s chances. If I had to choose between a socially-conscious white woman and a Black woman who in essence didn’t know she was Black or tried to separate herself as much as possible with her Blackness, I’d pick the white girl. To the second point (phenotype): depending on what ethnicity you’re talking about, women of color are much more likely to have the physical attributes I find attractive: curves, melanin-rich skin, curly hair, etc. Again, being a person of color is no guarantee that you will have these things, but the likelihood is most definitely increased.
As I have explored my ideas about the aforementioned, both through conversation with others and as an internal process, I have seen weakness in pieces of my philosophy. The greatest problem I see is of continuity: if I say I believe people should be able to date whomever they wish, but limit myself in my dating choices, do I truly believe what I say? Is it possible to believe one thing for others but not for yourself? In some ways I think this contradiction could be perceived as hypocritical, and maybe it is. I’m not entirely sure, but it is high on my list of things to contemplate and sort out.
While reading these thoughts about my dating preferences, many people will undoubtedly have seen another potential weakness inherent in my thinking. When it comes to racial preferences via classification, where do you draw the line? By that I mean where does one race end and another begin? It’s all very convoluted. For instance, when I say “white women,” I am thinking more specifically about Americans. But what about Europeans, for example? Certainly many (if not all) of them are considered white, but is there not a difference between the people in Italy and an Ireland? Spain and Germany? You can come much closer to home and ask these same questions. What about some Latinos, from the Dominican Republic or Puerto Rico, or other places? Some are blond-haired and blue-eyed, thus outwardly would appearing “white” (and arguably are white, as white is a racial indicator and not an ethnic identity, but that’s another conversation). I once dated a beautiful Israeli woman – in my mind, she was a person of color, but for all intents and purposes when she was walking down the street most people would look at her and think “white.” It gets so convoluted that it makes my head spin, and arguments for what is or isn’t go in and out of the window. What it ends up boiling down to is a question of what makes a person a “person of color.” Skin color? Experiences? Or both? I’ve already addressed this in part – I know that simply being a certain color does not guarantee that one will have certain beliefs or experiences…but it can and does increase the likelihood for this being the case.
Another issue I have with my own thoughts is a question of whether or not my thinking is right. Should I think these things at all? By having “preferences” am I really just practicing discrimination? How would I feel if a white person said the same things I am saying, but in reverse? White man: “I think people should date who they want, but I won’t date a Black woman because she probably won’t have the same experiences as me or understand me as well as another white woman could.” It makes me both laugh and cringe, and I’m not sure whether or not I think it’s inherently wrong, although initially I think it’s not (but is this me unconsciously wishing to validate my own thoughts?). As someone concerned with social justice and equality, I know that we as a society need to move further towards acceptance and appreciation of difference; we are far too segregated now. But I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary to date outside of your race to achieve this goal, though I’m sure some would argue that it is (though I recognize that it certainly helps). Engrained within my desire to date within-race or, if not within, at least a person of color, is a deep-seated reason which I cannot seem to shake. As mentioned, all of the things I love are wrapped up in women of color – the look, the experiences, and the understanding. But outside of that, I willingly admit that I feel social pressure to date a Black woman, both from external and internal sources. Externally, it is no secret that most Black people shun those who date outside of the race, particularly those who date white people (and given the racial history of this country, it’s not hard to understand why). Internally, I believe I have a certain obligation to marry a Black woman. As I work in higher education, I know the statistics regarding Black men and level of education, which more often than not translates to level of success attained in life. As a Black woman moves up the educational and social ladder, she finds fewer and fewer Black men on the same level. At the risk of sounding arrogant or at the least overly-confident and self-centered, I know what I represent. I’m one of the few Black men (sadly) who is high-achieving, highly-educated, and successful. If I were to date outside of my race, I would be removing myself from an already insufficiently-filled pool for educated Black women who want to date Black men. To me, to date a white woman in particular, equates to a slap in the face of Black women, me saying, “I know that there are much less of us than you, but oh well, I’ll make it one less.” Is this way of thinking right or wrong? I am not sure.
As I get older and wiser, and think more critically about my beliefs, I see them adapting and changing. To this argument, this question of interracial dating: I know I should be open to it, and I am open to it…on some levels. At this point in my life, I try not to stand in the way of my own blessings, which is to say I try not to dictate as much what I think my life should or should not be, but step out of the way to let God bless me as He sees fit. So in that sense, I allow for the possibility that I could meet and fall in love with someone who is altogether different from whom I believe my ideal or desired woman to be now – she could be Black, Latina, Asian…or white. I pray that God continues to keep me open to things that are best for me and are according to His plan for my life. BUT…I have made it exceedingly clear to God that if He chooses for me a white woman, knowing full and well how much I love Black women and women of color, me and Him are going to have some words. WORDS, I tell you. Of course I’m joking…(no I’m not).
-JMC-
