Readiness

read·i·ness / ˈredēnis / Noun

1. Willingness to do something

2. The state of being fully prepared for something

Lately I’ve been thinking about the idea of readiness. As you can see in the definition above, this encompasses being willing and prepared for something – in the case of my recent thoughts, that something is lifelong commitment to another individual, in terms of a romantic relationship. We often use this word – readiness – in one of its forms when classifying our state of mind about relationships. “I’m just not ready to be in a committed relationship.” I myself have used this logic on many occasions in the past, whether as an indication of my true beliefs about myself at the time, or (sadly) as a loose justification for extracting myself from some no-longer-desired situation.

As I’ve pondered the idea of readiness, I noticed a slow shift in my thinking. Historically, I’ve always used this noun to describe an internal process which was largely outside of my locus of control. In other words, there was something inside of me which prevented me (developmentally) from being ready for a serious, committed relationship, but I had no real way of changing or affecting that – I simply had to wait until I became ready. Certainly there is some truth to that. When I was younger I lacked maturity in many areas, and arguably only time and experience could remedy that. But increasingly I see this elusive “ready” as something much more within my sphere of direct influence – I am beginning to believe that I control whether I am ready or not. To tie it back into the definition, I much more strongly believe now that the first definition is the most important when speaking to relationships: willingness to do something. Will is entirely internal and controllable (except in extreme cases, like mental instability). You decide whether or not you have the will to do anything. And following that line of thinking, you decide when you are ready to be in a serious, committed relationship.

Do not mistake me: there is most definitely validity to the idea that even if one is willing, he or she lacks something that enables them to be fully prepared. You may be willing to run a marathon, but if you have not made the necessary preparations (training, buying the shoes, finding and entering the race, etc.), you will find yourself unready. For a more poignant example, consider this: you may be willing to drive a car – but if you have not turned the legal age, learned how to drive, and passed the driver’s exam, you will not only be unprepared (unready), you may drive that car to the detriment of yourself and others. In the same way, you may be willing to be in a serious relationship…but you may not be ready developmentally. You may not have a firm grasp of who you really are, you may have unresolved issues with family or friends, you may be far too selfish – any number of internal things on which you need to work prior to attempting to develop an external relationship with someone else (and as with the example about the car, if you enter into a serious relationship, you may do this to the detriment of yourself of the other person). I do believe that you can be willing, but truly not ready. But I also believe that far too often we shift cause and blame callously and immaturely out of our personal spheres of influence, placing the onus on any and everything but ourselves.

I propose that you are the only one who can truly decide when you are ready. As I have said more and more often of late to my good friend, we decide when are ready; there is no magical point in the distant future where we will suddenly wake up and be ready. For me now, being ready is a state of mind, it is that willingness. Cast aside your immediate reactions – of fear and apprehension, or rejection – and really think about what this would mean, if you accepted that you decided when you were ready. How powerful does that make you? You’ve just snatched back untold influence over your own life, your own actions. You are no longer helpless and dependent, waiting for some abstract moment that always seems just outside of your reach. You have the control, and can take yourself wherever you see fit. Imagine that. I am also a huge proponent of transferability – this idea of readiness has applicability in much more than just romantic relationships. Schools. Jobs. Relocations. Any significant change you have been debating, but that you’ve been putting off until the time was right, until you were ready. I postulate that if you are willing to open your thinking up, to shift your ideas of readiness so that it focuses on you and puts control into your hands instead of on some external time that may never come, you will find that your entire approach to life changes significantly. You may find that you are ready – you may find that you are not – but whichever you choose, you will be that much more at peace with the choice, because you know that you decided your own fate.

-JMC-

Paradigm Shifter

Getting over someone after a break up is never easy. There's no prescriptive method on how to do so. For a long while there existed this paradigm in my mind. This paradigm was this multi-faceted construct of everything I thought the she in my life should be. And I thought what I needed to get over someone was what I call a 'paradigm shifter'. That is someone who would come along and change my thinking on how I look at women, what I expected of them, and who would eradicate the standard of someone else that I was holding them to. But I was wrong.

It was me who had shift my own paradigm. I had to break the mold. And now I have to reconceptualize the standard. In my previous thinking about searching for a paradigm shifter, I was giving too much power away. I was expecting someone to do for me what I could have done for myself all along. I had to really sit down with myself and truly think through what it is that I want in someone, what it is that I expect, and define for myself what is my standard. I had to stop worrying about the 'what ifs' of the past and start focusing on the 'what will be' or 'who will be's' of the future. In doing so I gained more control. A greater control over what I expect to give and receive. But to get there wasn't easy and often times we're afraid to break that paradigm because its safe and familiar.

In reflection, we have to thank them for the time they spent with us. We have to appreciate, cherish, and respect the time and memories but we can't remain in 'what if' land. You have to protect your emotions and store them up for that next special person that is destined to come along. And we have to move on. We must move on. There is someone out there who requires so much more of you and to not prepare yourself for them by living in the past is to do them injustice. There's no love lost its just compartmentalized. Compartmentalized as part of my past and bears witness to the capabilities that I posses to be someone's great significant other. The breaking of the paradigm is not to be lamented over for in subscribing to the previous constraints of said paradigm, it by its very nature is severely limiting. If anything we should be inspired, for we are to be expectant to see who and what will be. I'm convinced that the magic isn't in the possibility of getting back together, it now exists in the possibility of what is to come.

-WAC, III-

The Languages of Love

I am a man who believes that we define much of ourselves through the relationships we have with others. Be they platonic, romantic or familial, we seek truth in these interactions with other people. Many of us, however, fail to divine the most fundamental of secrets to lasting, healthy relationships. Two of these I have discovered to be unfailingly true, but so simple in nature they elude us like the wisps of dreams dissipating in the morning when we first awake. The first: know thyself. You must always seek to deeply and intimately know who you are – for if you don’t even know yourself, how can you expect anyone else to know you? The second: seek first to change yourself, before seeking to change another. In other words, become the person you want to find. These concepts are so simple, yet even the most potent of minds among us rarely engage with them. I attempt to live these principles out daily, a challenging task, yet one at which I refuse to fail.

A good way to start on this journey of both knowing yourself and becoming the person which you would like to find is to learn about the 5 Love Languages. Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book many years ago about this concept of love languages. As he purports, there are 5 love languages which we all speak to varying degrees: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Many of the problems we run into in relationships are because we do not understand that we primarily speak a different love language than the person with whom we are engaged in the relationship. When we understand these differences, and learn that in order to make the other person feel appreciated and loved we must speak their love language, our relationship is almost magically better. I’ve read the book a couple of times – it’s quite an easy read, but very powerful if you are willing to let the message sink in. It helps not only with romantic relationships, but with friendships, work relationships, and families.

If you want to get a quick taste without going out and buying the book, check out the 5 Love Languages website. Take the assessment – it only takes about 10-15 minutes, but in the time it takes you to check Facebook a couple of times you can have information that can help change your life. Give it a try, and encourage those important people in your life to do so as well. You’ll be on the path towards personal success with relationships in no time.

-JMC-

Love Is...

Love is...
Alive when it is giving;
Dying when it is exchanging; and
Dead when it is taking.

-JMC-