Directly to the Point

It occurred to me recently (as in, ten minutes ago) that people very often describe themselves as “direct,” but in reality…they are not. Alas, I have found myself in that category on many an occasion. But, I posit, this happens most often not because I do not want to be a direct person, but because social norms and individual situations dictate that I must not be a direct person. By ‘social norms’ I mean that it is typically considered rude or insensitive when you are too direct (of course varying based on context and culture), and by ‘individual situations’ I mean situations with individuals, where most of the people I interact with do not want me to be direct (e.g., they will take it too personally). Therefore, as a rough estimation I would say that 98% of the time I am not direct because I believe I can’t be, and 11% of the time I am not direct because I am at heart a nice guy who doesn’t want to hurt people’s feelings. (Yes, that is more than 100%, but I’m allowing for some overlap of the two reasons. I can count, thank you.) But this is outside the purview of my point.

Back to those who describe themselves as “direct,” but who are not. Yes, I believe there are others who might describe their own indirectness in the same fashion I did my own, but this is largely irrelevant. I am speaking specifically about those who engage in interaction with an explicit ‘other,’ and describe themselves as “direct,” possibly with a sentence such as “I am a very direct person: I prefer to just tell it like it is, and I’d rather you do the same with me. There’s no reason to ever beat around the bush, just be straight up.” Many people who engage in this sort of self-imposed attribution are probably not aware that they are lying. (Ok, that might be a bit too direct and harsh: they are not telling the truth.) What they are really saying is, “I prefer to be mostly direct with you, most of the time. But you should be completely direct with me. Mostly.” Very different statement. And the reason I say people who really feel this way are not “direct” is because if you are not completely direct, then by definition you are indirect, which is NOT DIRECT.

I’ll make my case in a couple quick ways. If you think about “directness” on a moving scale, then at the far right you have “Direct” and the far left you have “Indirect.” “But wait,” you say. “There are degrees of directness – I can be somewhat direct or very direct.” False. You cannot. There are varying degrees of indirectness only. Look at the definition for the word “direct,” in its adverb form in which we use it in this context: “proceeding in a straight line or by the shortest course; straight; undeviating; not oblique;”¹ “stemming immediately from a source;” ² “having no compromising or impairing element.” ² You will see there is no room for being less than direct. Therefore, anything less than or not completely direct is some varying degree of indirect. To put it another way, using a spatial analogy, if you said you were going to go directly to the store, you only went directly there if you did not go or stop anywhere else on the way. For those naysayers who would attempt to debunk this example by saying that one could go directly to the store using a circuitous route (i.e. take a longer route, but not make any stops), I say again that this is indirect, as it stands in direct opposition to the definition of direct. Direct is “by the shortest course,” or it is not direct. Sorry.

I posit that those who claim they are “direct” people but make relational “stops” or use “circuitous routes” with those to whom they assert their directness are in actuality being some degree of “indirect.” Possibly a low level, but still indirect at base. And therefore, not direct. Now, this isn’t a judgmental thrashing of those to whom this applies. More of a call to thought: possibly you should consider what you are really saying, what you want to say, and how you should classify/express yourself to others (particularly those who, like me, would expect someone who told us they were going to be direct to actually be direct).

I believe “directness” gets a bad rap. Most people tend to see being “direct” as being somehow insensitive, or thoughtless. I postulate that it can be the exact opposite (although admittedly, not always; it depends on the individual’s personality). Being direct typically requires some level of forethought – how else would you know what the most direct route was? I think indirect communication can sometimes be one of the greatest flaws of human interaction. How can we expect others to know exactly what we mean or think if we won’t tell them explicitly? Many a relationship (platonic, romantic, familial, whatever) has probably been ruined, or in the least greatly strained, unnecessarily, because people won’t talk to others with direction and purpose. Don’t get me wrong, indirectness certainly has its place, but I think we should use it like salt or alcohol – in moderation.

-JMC-

Developing the Whole Self

I recently had a conversation with a good friend that was difficult, but in the end, very enlightening and uplifting. He spoke about discontentment with his life: with his romantic endeavors, his current intellectual pursuits, the direction of his life, everything. He described how the other day, he participated in an activity I personally know for him has been one of his greatest joys for years, yet he experienced not one ounce of enjoyment on this occasion. He also said something that I believe was key: that when he put his life in perspective, he could not think of one reason why he should be discontent – by most standards, he is doing incredibly well, and many people would probably give almost anything to be in his shoes (literally and figuratively) – but he still felt unhappy. He could not put his finger on the source of his dissatisfaction with his life, but he felt it acutely all the same.

I say this conversation was difficult for two reasons. First, it was hard hearing a friend for whom I care deeply describing the pain and struggle he was experiencing. Second, I completely understand how he feels, because I have felt this way before myself. I am an excessive worrier by nature, and have been prone to (and struggled with) depression as long as I can remember. I’ve been in the place where I was completely unhappy with my life, despite not being able to specify the origin of my discontent and all outward signs being antithetical to me “needing” to feel that way. I literally felt my friend’s pain, and that was difficult. But the conversation was also enlightening and uplifting, because of the resultant discussion, and I believe it was so for both my friend and me.

As we were talking, what stuck out to me was his comment about not being able to pinpoint the source of his discontentment. Everything on the outside was technically good, maybe even great, by most standards, which to me pointed to something internal that wasn’t in place. I talked to my friend about a few things I’ve noticed. He has always been an intellectual, and makes sure he keeps his mind sharp by consuming information, whether it’s technical knowledge for his job or schooling, current events and politics, sports, or personal interests. He has an enviable social life, consistently making time for friends, fellowship, and fun. He also exercises regularly, and is conscientious about eating a healthy diet. He takes care of himself well, mentally, socially, and physically…but there was a piece I saw missing, which for me directly correlates with the internal self which for him was out of alignment: spirituality.

So often we as humans seem to forget that we are beings made up of multiple parts, and that in order to be whole, we need to maintain all of those parts. I believe that essentially, there are four aspects to our wellbeing: physical, mental, social, and spiritual. These can be further broken down into smaller divisions, which many theories do, but in a gross sense, these cover everything. As humans we have a physical body, and we have to take care of it. Almost everything we do is executed through physical movement or processes. In fact, if these physical processes ever stop working, you’re typically dead (for instance breathing – if your lungs cease to work, you will either need a machine to do it for you, or you will die). In the same way, we have to take care of our mental functions. If you don’t keep your mind sharp by learning new things, or staying engaged in those things you know, you will become stagnant and unproductive, and your life will be that much harder. We humans are also social creatures; we exist in relation to others. Yes, there are varying degrees to which people desire or need contact with other people, but fundamentally we are built to work, play, live, be with others, to be social. But there is also an internal aspect to our nature: spirituality. People may call it different things, but the essence remains the same – there is something within each of us that makes us unique and different, that gives us life, often referred to as a soul or spirit. And it needs to be maintained as well. So many people do things to work on one or two aspects of their lives to the neglect of other areas, and often the area that gets the least attention is the one that, arguably, needs the most – the spirit. It’s when you neglect the spirit, the internal, that everything on the outside can be going perfectly yet you still feel unfulfilled.

For me, my spirituality manifests itself through my faith in God, so that’s what I spoke to my friend about. I told him about how, when I was experiencing a similar phase in my life (I should say phases, because it’s happened more than once), while it was extremely helpful to have strong support from my family and friends, what really brought me through was my faith in God, that He was in control of my life and I could trust Him completely. There’s a verse in the Bible that addresses worry and anxiety, Philippians 4:6, which says that we should not worry about anything, but instead, through prayer (and with thanks), present everything to God. What I shared with my friend specifically though was the verse that follows that, verse 7, which states: “and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind.” For me, that verse is applicable to more than just worry. My friend described a feeling that he could not specifically pinpoint that was causing him to be discontent – a feeling that he could not understand. In a situation like that, you need a peace that transcends all understanding, and God promises that if you bring things to Him through prayer, He will give you that peace. I suggested that my friend actively work on that part of his life, his spiritual wellbeing, with the same intentionality that I witness him pursuing the other aspects of his life. And the same should be true for everybody else, myself included.

As I said previously, this was an enlightening and uplifting conversation, for me as well. I say that for two reasons. One, I believe God orchestrated this discussion in part to give me an occasion to share my faith in a way in which I was comfortable. I am not shy about my beliefs, but unless someone asks me about them I rarely go out of my way to share, because I never want to be seen as a “pushy” Christian, or someone who is trying to thrust his beliefs upon another – but I do recognize that as a Christian, I am called to tell others about Christ. God knows me better than I know myself, and that I’ve been thinking about this issue a lot, so he gave me the perfect chance to speak up without feeling pushy. Second, this conversation gave me another reminder to keep my own spiritual wellbeing in the forefront of my mind. I often fall into the (unintentional) trap of working on one aspect of my life to the neglect of others, and constant reminders help me stay fresh in my commitment to my own development.

I truly believe that it is important for everybody to find some spiritual grounding, whatever that means for them individually. That can be through some organized religion, or many other outlets. If for you that is a religious affiliation, are you reading your Bible, Quran, or whatever holy text you follow? Are you meeting regularly with others who share your beliefs? Are you praying, or maybe just sitting quietly and meditating? It’s crucial that you find whatever that thing is for you, and you actively develop it, for your own wellbeing. If you work on this foundational aspect of your life, you will likely find that everything else seems to fall into place much more easily…and in turn, you will probably be much more content.

-JMC-

Beyond face value

I guess I’m at the point in my life where as a man I want to wanted, liked, and appreciated for being more than attractive. Yes. The subject of this post is fairly obvious and there are several ways you can come at the subject. So, for the sake of clarity and brevity I’ll frame how I’m thinking about it and what led me to such thinking.

Earlier this week I was out at a party having a good time among friends. People were enjoying themselves, drinks were had, attractive women smiled. A scene I’m all too familiar with. Later on in the evening I was complimented by a young lady. By young I mean 21 young. It was flattering and cute but it didn’t hold much weight. I kindly thanked her and was pretty sure I didn’t want to continue a conversation with her. I was naïve in knowing that this compliment was her way of making a move. Granted, this too is a scenario I’m familiar with but somehow in my mind I see it playing out differently. Nonetheless, a pseudo-conversation ensued wherein I smiled thanking her for her compliments and such all while alluding to the fact that I wasn’t interested. The reason I wasn’t interested is because I didn’t get from her that she wanted to know me beyond me being attractive. I also perceived based on our conversation that she wouldn’t know what to do with me and would therefore become disenchanted.  What I mean here is that there is a lot to me and not everyone can appreciate that “a lot”. That “a lot” entails my love of reading, my fascination with thinking, and a host of other interests that come along with being me. Those are parts of me that make up me.

Another part of me is me being attractive or what some may find physically attractive. I get that. That is part of me as well but I don’t want that to be all a woman finds attractive about me because it’s the most superficial and fleeting of one’s qualities.  I want the fact that the library is one of my favorite places to be as equally appealing and satiating as my appearance. Or better, that she finds my character to enhance my looks. Before I get too far along, this post isn’t a backwards way of self-aggrandizement. What’s at the heart of it is that I’m growing. Beauty is not enough for me. I’ve said that before in reference to women but this time I mean it in regards to me. No longer can I relegate myself to just coasting on being physically attractive. There’s more. I want the “Oh he reads” or the “Oh he’s really thoughtful” to be said with as much delight and conviction as the “Oh he’s cute”.

Though the pseudo-conversation from this week spurred me to write, it was actually a proxy for the many times it’s happened where I was content to just be found attractive. I do know now that I do like to be appreciated for what I have to offer by way of intellect. I think too, that my sensitivity about this subject stems from me trying to battle the stereotypes of Black men; two of which being that we’re hypersexualized and non-intelligent. Being aware of the many stereotypes, (some of which I fall prey to) I conscientiously navigate my interactions with women so as not to lean too heavily on my looks; because ultimately, I don’t want to be labeled as an ASN (Ain’t Sh*t N*gga).

This post is also to say that women finding me attractive in terms of me being “smart”, “intellectual”, or in some way interesting beyond my looks is still new to me. I do know how I feel when the opposite sex recognizes and appreciates those qualities and it’s a great feeling. And I also think they feel the same way when somehow upon our first meeting we find ourselves in fervent discussion about our latest reads as opposed to something superficial. Perhaps then introducing a “both and” concept would help to rectify my issue. I think being both physically attractive and ________ (insert quality) are not mutually exclusive. How they are reconciled may look different based on the person. How it looks for me is something I’m actively trying to figure out while yet hoping to be understood and perceived in a more balanced way.  

-WAC, III-

The Polished Scholars go to Harvard

Hello ladies and gentlemen. It's been quite awhile (much too long, truth be told) since our last post, but we're back. For this post, we decided to do something different. Check out our short video, in which we discuss our recent presentation at Harvard University's Graduate Student Research Conference - Changing Progress: The Science of Education Revolution. Entitled "The New Negro: Developing the Whole Self as a Mechanism for Success," our round-table discussion addressed the beginning stages of our newest research project surrounding Black male achievement in higher education. Enjoy!