How Do You Know?

Yesterday, in the course I teach for Black men, we talked about relationships. As part of that discussion, I had the men write out lists of what they felt was their ideal woman, the woman they ultimately want. After they constructed their lists, I asked them two questions. The first: is the type of woman they detailed the type of woman they actively pursue? The second: are they currently (or at least intensely striving to become) the type of man that would attract that woman? As we all pondered these questions, a third was presented, which resonated within me: how do you know when you have found this person?

Indeed. How do you know when you have found the person who fits your ideal, who possesses those things which you desire? It seems like such a simple question, and at the surface, the answer is exceedingly simple. If you desire someone who is motivated, health-conscious, and wise concerning money, you observe them and see if what they do. If they are self-starters who are actively seeking promotions and new avenues to express their purpose in life, they don’t eat a lot of junk and don’t spend their paycheck on clothes before they pay their bills, then you’ve found them! Done. But what happens when you dig a little deeper? Say you want someone who is intelligent, has a relationship with God, and is family-oriented. How do you define “intelligence?” What does it look like? Are they brainiacs who can answer 90% of the questions on Jeopardy correctly? Are they formally educated, or can they read a lot and always seek knowledge yet never have attended college? How is a relationship with God manifested? Does it mean going to church every Sunday and reading the Bible? Or can it be never going to a formal place of worship but always in constant communication with God via meditation and reflection? And what if they have no family? Or a hurtful, broken family with whom they do not want to associate – but they still desire a healthy one of their own? When you really begin to deconstruct the idea of “knowing” when you’ve found your ideal, it becomes much more complicated and convoluted.

I am a firm believer that everyone should have a “list.” We should all take the time to detail to ourselves what it is that we expect and desire. But it should be a loose concept, one that we continue to revisit and analyze. Our list should grow and change as we do – and in many cases, the growth results in removal of certain things we hold to be ideal. As we learn ourselves, and become wiser, we realize that many things we thought we wanted are not as necessary as once believed. At some point (hopefully), our lists will become much more reasonable and focused, until we are left with only bare essentials – those items that will truly lead to our happiness, and not at the expense of excluding the very person who was destined for us. But we also need to critically think about how we know when we have found that individual, lest we let them go unknowingly.

This is one of those (many) instances where I do not have a concrete answer to the question I pose. But for me, the acceptance, recognition and subsequent exploration of the question is the key to unraveling its mysteries. By seriously asking yourself, “how do I know when I’ve found that one,” and critically examining that question, you bring yourself that much closer to finding the answer. I have a list. I examine it periodically, with fresh eye and mind. And each time I do, and combine that with this new question, my list becomes a little more realistic, a little more attainable, and I get bring myself ever closer to finding the elusive “one.”

-JMC-