Summounded to the court

Talking with a friend yesterday really put some things into perspective for me. He and I often revisit the subject of past loves and ex girl-friends. This conversation started off in a familiar tone and seemed to run the route of our normal conversations concerning the matter. We dialogued about getting back with our exes and if so, what that would look like. We discussed being aware of cues, hints, and other signs that denoted a level of interest on their part. The question of ‘had we missed the cues’ was centric to our discussion. Did we not pick up on the bread crumbs? Did our pride somehow get in the way? We talked about many possibilities but were oblivious to an obvious error. However, in medias res of the conversation, my dude said something that just sunk in me. Using the analogy of sports, we began to unpack the idea of needing just one alley-oop, one wink, one sign, one no look pass, and we'd take the ball and slam dunk it. That’s right. Take the ball and dunk it. How zealous, right? A swift move to the basket without even thinking twice about whether we were supposed to be on the 'court' or not. That frame of thought always overlooks an underlying entitlement attitude which never considers whether or not I have a right to be on the court.

So begs the question: Why am I expecting someone to 'throw me the ball' if I'm not even in their 'game'?

Aside: I use the word game to reference a sphere of activity where two people in a relationship are engaged in the dynamics of said relationship. In the context of this post, we can examine and relate certain concepts in this frame.  

He said instead of waiting for the alley-oop of a "So let's have a conversation..." or the no look pass of a "I miss you let's talk...", he won't be on the court, or even the bench for that matter. He'll be outside until he's summoned. I think he's right. Very right. I often reserve spaces for myself on people's teams, lives, etc. without them even knowing. Thereby bringing with me my expectations of what I think should be happening and how I think I should be treated when I'm not even on the team in the first place.

My boy's statement sunk in me because every guy wants to think that he's the star just waiting on the chance to vindicate his fall from grace on the courts of life. To make right the wrongs of the past that he laments over and labors to rectify. To do those things that he said and thought he'd do if he 'had one more chance'. But more often than not, it doesn't work that way. Our ego and pride presupposes fact and warps reality. Sometimes our zeal for what we want overshadows reason and what is. It is with humility that we must accept any summons or invitation to join the team. And if she wants you back, it's not a matter of being on the court waiting or expecting, but rather it's about being sure. Being sure that if she wants you, she'll make it known; she'll call.

This all goes back to lessons my mom and dad taught me. Dad has always maintained that a gentleman never imposes. Mom always said to never invite yourself.

Reflecting on the conversation, I'm further convinced that entitlement breeds misplaced or at worse, unrealistic expectations. My friend’s statement cut me because it was a knife to my ego. It was precise and cut at the issue of living in between spaces. I realize that it does take a certain depth of character to remain outside when you know how great of a team it is that you want to be on. It is by no means easy because you have to respect her and above all else you have to be humble enough to know that as it stands, you're not her star player. It doesn't mean that you're any less talented, just not the star on that team.

-WAC, III-