A Question of Preference

Of late, I have often found myself discussing the idea of dating outside of one’s race. Certainly this is an idea that deserves attention in present times. If you look around, whether on the streets around you or in the media, you can see that it is an increasing phenomenon to see mixed-race couples. There are a plethora of reasons for this, none of them any less valid than another. The world is shrinking, mostly due to social media and the ability to connect with anyone at any place around the world via the internet. Minority populations in the U.S. are steadily becoming the majority, and there is an ever-growing international presence within our borders as well. While there are irrefutably still very segregated places throughout America, there are many cities and neighborhoods where there is a good mixture of people from different backgrounds and cultures; as a result, some of the children from these areas are growing up with diversity and difference being the norm. It follows that as they grow older, they may not view dating outside of their race as out of the ordinary. Whatever the real reason (or reasons), more and more mixed-race couples are popping up, and as a result more and more people are considering this as an option.

As I contemplate this idea myself, I find myself in an interesting position, one riddled with internal conflict, particularly in light of my choice of job in multicultural affairs. I believe that people should be free to date whomever they choose, and be free to do so without persecution. But even within this belief, I know that I have levels and limits, particularly for myself. As a person of color, in particular a Black man, I believe I would be ok dating outside of my race…as long as it was another person of color. I cannot see myself dating a white woman – even to the point of saying that will not date a white woman. I classify (or justify?) it as a preference, based largely on mutual interest, understanding, and experiences – and I can’t ignore the phenotypical aspects as well. I’ll explain both. To the first point (mutual interest, understanding, and experiences): another person of color is much more likely to understand my experiences as a Black man, and have congruent ideas and interests because of this understanding. A white woman is far less likely to align with me along these issues, as her status in American society affords her the opportunity to not have to deal with the same struggles as a person of color. It is important to note that racial/ethnic identity is not an absolute indicator that a person will understand or even sympathize with the experience of minorities in America – but it does significantly increase that individual’s chances. If I had to choose between a socially-conscious white woman and a Black woman who in essence didn’t know she was Black or tried to separate herself as much as possible with her Blackness, I’d pick the white girl. To the second point (phenotype): depending on what ethnicity you’re talking about, women of color are much more likely to have the physical attributes I find attractive: curves, melanin-rich skin, curly hair, etc. Again, being a person of color is no guarantee that you will have these things, but the likelihood is most definitely increased.

As I have explored my ideas about the aforementioned, both through conversation with others and as an internal process, I have seen weakness in pieces of my philosophy. The greatest problem I see is of continuity: if I say I believe people should be able to date whomever they wish, but limit myself in my dating choices, do I truly believe what I say? Is it possible to believe one thing for others but not for yourself? In some ways I think this contradiction could be perceived as hypocritical, and maybe it is. I’m not entirely sure, but it is high on my list of things to contemplate and sort out.

While reading these thoughts about my dating preferences, many people will undoubtedly have seen another potential weakness inherent in my thinking. When it comes to racial preferences via classification, where do you draw the line? By that I mean where does one race end and another begin? It’s all very convoluted. For instance, when I say “white women,” I am thinking more specifically about Americans. But what about Europeans, for example? Certainly many (if not all) of them are considered white, but is there not a difference between the people in Italy and an Ireland? Spain and Germany? You can come much closer to home and ask these same questions. What about some Latinos, from the Dominican Republic or Puerto Rico, or other places? Some are blond-haired and blue-eyed, thus outwardly would appearing “white” (and arguably are white, as white is a racial indicator and not an ethnic identity, but that’s another conversation). I once dated a beautiful Israeli woman – in my mind, she was a person of color, but for all intents and purposes when she was walking down the street most people would look at her and think “white.” It gets so convoluted that it makes my head spin, and arguments for what is or isn’t go in and out of the window. What it ends up boiling down to is a question of what makes a person a “person of color.” Skin color? Experiences? Or both? I’ve already addressed this in part – I know that simply being a certain color does not guarantee that one will have certain beliefs or experiences…but it can and does increase the likelihood for this being the case.

Another issue I have with my own thoughts is a question of whether or not my thinking is right. Should I think these things at all? By having “preferences” am I really just practicing discrimination? How would I feel if a white person said the same things I am saying, but in reverse? White man: “I think people should date who they want, but I won’t date a Black woman because she probably won’t have the same experiences as me or understand me as well as another white woman could.” It makes me both laugh and cringe, and I’m not sure whether or not I think it’s inherently wrong, although initially I think it’s not (but is this me unconsciously wishing to validate my own thoughts?). As someone concerned with social justice and equality, I know that we as a society need to move further towards acceptance and appreciation of difference; we are far too segregated now. But I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary to date outside of your race to achieve this goal, though I’m sure some would argue that it is (though I recognize that it certainly helps). Engrained within my desire to date within-race or, if not within, at least a person of color, is a deep-seated reason which I cannot seem to shake. As mentioned, all of the things I love are wrapped up in women of color – the look, the experiences, and the understanding. But outside of that, I willingly admit that I feel social pressure to date a Black woman, both from external and internal sources. Externally, it is no secret that most Black people shun those who date outside of the race, particularly those who date white people (and given the racial history of this country, it’s not hard to understand why). Internally, I believe I have a certain obligation to marry a Black woman. As I work in higher education, I know the statistics regarding Black men and level of education, which more often than not translates to level of success attained in life. As a Black woman moves up the educational and social ladder, she finds fewer and fewer Black men on the same level. At the risk of sounding arrogant or at the least overly-confident and self-centered, I know what I represent. I’m one of the few Black men (sadly) who is high-achieving, highly-educated, and successful. If I were to date outside of my race, I would be removing myself from an already insufficiently-filled pool for educated Black women who want to date Black men. To me, to date a white woman in particular, equates to a slap in the face of Black women, me saying, “I know that there are much less of us than you, but oh well, I’ll make it one less.” Is this way of thinking right or wrong? I am not sure.

As I get older and wiser, and think more critically about my beliefs, I see them adapting and changing. To this argument, this question of interracial dating: I know I should be open to it, and I am open to it…on some levels. At this point in my life, I try not to stand in the way of my own blessings, which is to say I try not to dictate as much what I think my life should or should not be, but step out of the way to let God bless me as He sees fit. So in that sense, I allow for the possibility that I could meet and fall in love with someone who is altogether different from whom I believe my ideal or desired woman to be now – she could be Black, Latina, Asian…or white. I pray that God continues to keep me open to things that are best for me and are according to His plan for my life. BUT…I have made it exceedingly clear to God that if He chooses for me a white woman, knowing full and well how much I love Black women and women of color, me and Him are going to have some words. WORDS, I tell you. Of course I’m joking…(no I’m not).

-JMC-

Readiness

read·i·ness / ˈredēnis / Noun

1. Willingness to do something

2. The state of being fully prepared for something

Lately I’ve been thinking about the idea of readiness. As you can see in the definition above, this encompasses being willing and prepared for something – in the case of my recent thoughts, that something is lifelong commitment to another individual, in terms of a romantic relationship. We often use this word – readiness – in one of its forms when classifying our state of mind about relationships. “I’m just not ready to be in a committed relationship.” I myself have used this logic on many occasions in the past, whether as an indication of my true beliefs about myself at the time, or (sadly) as a loose justification for extracting myself from some no-longer-desired situation.

As I’ve pondered the idea of readiness, I noticed a slow shift in my thinking. Historically, I’ve always used this noun to describe an internal process which was largely outside of my locus of control. In other words, there was something inside of me which prevented me (developmentally) from being ready for a serious, committed relationship, but I had no real way of changing or affecting that – I simply had to wait until I became ready. Certainly there is some truth to that. When I was younger I lacked maturity in many areas, and arguably only time and experience could remedy that. But increasingly I see this elusive “ready” as something much more within my sphere of direct influence – I am beginning to believe that I control whether I am ready or not. To tie it back into the definition, I much more strongly believe now that the first definition is the most important when speaking to relationships: willingness to do something. Will is entirely internal and controllable (except in extreme cases, like mental instability). You decide whether or not you have the will to do anything. And following that line of thinking, you decide when you are ready to be in a serious, committed relationship.

Do not mistake me: there is most definitely validity to the idea that even if one is willing, he or she lacks something that enables them to be fully prepared. You may be willing to run a marathon, but if you have not made the necessary preparations (training, buying the shoes, finding and entering the race, etc.), you will find yourself unready. For a more poignant example, consider this: you may be willing to drive a car – but if you have not turned the legal age, learned how to drive, and passed the driver’s exam, you will not only be unprepared (unready), you may drive that car to the detriment of yourself and others. In the same way, you may be willing to be in a serious relationship…but you may not be ready developmentally. You may not have a firm grasp of who you really are, you may have unresolved issues with family or friends, you may be far too selfish – any number of internal things on which you need to work prior to attempting to develop an external relationship with someone else (and as with the example about the car, if you enter into a serious relationship, you may do this to the detriment of yourself of the other person). I do believe that you can be willing, but truly not ready. But I also believe that far too often we shift cause and blame callously and immaturely out of our personal spheres of influence, placing the onus on any and everything but ourselves.

I propose that you are the only one who can truly decide when you are ready. As I have said more and more often of late to my good friend, we decide when are ready; there is no magical point in the distant future where we will suddenly wake up and be ready. For me now, being ready is a state of mind, it is that willingness. Cast aside your immediate reactions – of fear and apprehension, or rejection – and really think about what this would mean, if you accepted that you decided when you were ready. How powerful does that make you? You’ve just snatched back untold influence over your own life, your own actions. You are no longer helpless and dependent, waiting for some abstract moment that always seems just outside of your reach. You have the control, and can take yourself wherever you see fit. Imagine that. I am also a huge proponent of transferability – this idea of readiness has applicability in much more than just romantic relationships. Schools. Jobs. Relocations. Any significant change you have been debating, but that you’ve been putting off until the time was right, until you were ready. I postulate that if you are willing to open your thinking up, to shift your ideas of readiness so that it focuses on you and puts control into your hands instead of on some external time that may never come, you will find that your entire approach to life changes significantly. You may find that you are ready – you may find that you are not – but whichever you choose, you will be that much more at peace with the choice, because you know that you decided your own fate.

-JMC-

What kind of man would I be?

Turning 27 nearly two weeks ago afforded me yet another opportunity to reflect. This time around I thought about what it means to be a young (I use that word loosely) black man at 27. Moreover, I thought about the 'how' and the 'what' of me coming into a most critical time in my life and engaged them from an analytical view of what it means to be black man at 27.

Flooded with thoughts prompted from conversations with friends and the experiences of my life, the following is a list of sorts involving choices, thoughts, and pivotal points of direction that could have led me one way or another. In no particular order of significance I share these so as to draw careful consideration on where you were at this time in your life if you so happen to identify with any of the sentiments below.

So read, reflect, think, and discuss.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't admit when I'm wrong? But beyond admitting fault, seek to make it right. Beyond restitution, learn to seek forgiveness and simultaneously learning to forgive.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't learn to maintain and seek integrity in every situation? Even at the cost of public approval and the lauds of the fickle, remain steadfast in what is right and what I hold to be true.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't know my limitations? Boundaries promote a concentration of sorts but more so understanding that I am not called to be like the next man nor am I to even covet after his innate capabilities.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't have goals and set a vision for my life? In doing so with guidance from the Almighty, the trajectory for my life is set. Therefore I plan my work and work my plan.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't acknowledge my emotions? But beyond acknowledgement there is reconciliation, and where there is reconciliation there is application which therefore gives causation for the mastery of the emotional components of my life.

What kind of man would I be if I gave in to every whim of temptation? Temptation is nothing more than an appealing to the senses to do wrong in spite of what we know to be right.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't treat my mother as the queen that she is and support the needs of my family? In doing so I learn first hand how to treat women right and to develop unadulterated loyalty and the support necessary to raise a family.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't seek to make wise decisions?

What kind of man would I be if I didn't pray?

What kind of man would I be if I didn't have good friends? People who know me well enough to think my thoughts after me. Who push me to success and call me to my greatest good.

What kind of man would I be if I weren't educated? A good friend of mine says that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Who would I be and where would I be if I didn't read and engage in meaningful discussion? What kind of man would I be if I didn't actively learn to shun ignorance?  If I didn't challenge myself intellectually to be better tomorrow than I am today.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't make myself accessible?

What kind of man would I be if I didn't love? Love not on a superficial level similar to lust but on a deep level whose rewards are immense but also valuable enough to be shared.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't take care of myself? Where would I be if I didn't have a commitment to health, living well, and maintaining a certain quality of life?

What kind of man would I be if I didn't learn to be by myself ? In learning to be by myself I develop a healthy sense of love myself for myself and come into greater understanding of myself. It's here where I learn to laugh at myself, to not take myself so seriously but always looking at myself as a continual work in progress moving from to good to greater.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't strive to be single minded in matters? If I didn't learn to observe and consider all viewpoints but commit myself to make sound decisions.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't learn to take my time? To value quality over frequency. To invest in the long term and prepare myself to work to generate the greatest outcome.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't understand that 'No' is sometimes an even greater answer than yes? To be comfortable with saying no but wise and most of all graceful in its application.

What kind of man would I be if I weren't sensitive to the needs of others? Learning when to put the needs, wants, aspirations, and desires of others before my own.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't learn to listen more than I speak? But when asked, be available to give an answer worth listening to.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't learn to step away? Not in defeat but in knowing that healing for myself is more important than a victory won with many detrimental scars. More importantly knowing when not to win at the wrong battles.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't know that humility and grace go hand in hand? That I should be readily able to dispense both in voluminous amounts and to receive in a manner likewise. What kind of man would I be if I didn't seek to set aside pride, ego, and pretension?

These are a few things that I've thought amount most recently. This piece is subject to change as I continue to grow.I'll probably revisit this subject matter again, however in the mean time as you grow and develop I implore you to think about who you are becoming.

Let us not come into who we are without pondering carefully the makings that give meaning to our lives.

-WAC, III-

A Made Up Mind

Liberate yourself from the tyranny of double mindedness.

-WAC, III-

Self-Help

“Know thyself.”

I’ve always been a very introspective person. I’ve spent countless hours evaluating my life, from the macro to the micro, using broad strokes to assess patterns and a scalpel to investigate even the smallest layers of what others might deem insignificant events. I thoroughly enjoy breaking down my thoughts and reasons, my perceptions, things that happen to me and things I elect into. Of course there have been many times where, after much deliberation, I realized I was borderline obsessing or making something much more than it needed to be – but the vast majority of the time, this process I find myself engaged in leads to positive gains for me. I improve myself. I understand myself a little deeper. And I set myself up to be able to make better choices in the future.

I am definitely a self-help kind of guy. I’ve always loved taking personality tests, and I’ve probably taken as many on the web as exist, from the more jovial “What Kind of Dog Are You?” and “What’s Your First-Date Style?” to the more serious and reputable Myers Briggs Type Indicator and other similar assessments. I’ve taken work style assessments, conflict style assessments, and countless others. I also love books that help your understand yourself better so that you can understand others better, and therefore have more positive relationships. Some of my favorites are Personality Plus (Florence Littauer), The 5 Love Languages (Gary Chapman), and The 5 Languages of Apology (Gary Chapman). All 3 are very easy reads, and easy to absorb. They all start with the same premise – understanding yourself first, which, again, is key for me. One of the best things about all of them is that you don’t have to be in a relationship to utilize their principles. Most people I think associate these things with romantic relationships, particularly the books about love languages. But “love” is really a function of any relationship. Understanding these principles will help you with ALL of your relationships, platonic, familial, or otherwise. I try to use some of the things I learned with any relationship I have, particularly if I truly care about the person in some way, and appreciate the relationship we have. But again, it all starts internally, with me exploring myself.

I think everyone should adopt the mentality of self-help. Learn yourself! Take the time to try and better yourself. Lately, I’ve adopted the belief that everyone should be engaged in trying to address at least one major flaw in themselves at all times (and until you become practiced at doing this, you will likely be able to only concentrate effectively on one thing at a time). In order to do this, however, you need to know what your flaws are, and that takes serious consideration. The truly reflective person will take a combination of what they deduce from their own intrinsic observations and what other people tell them about themselves – friends AND enemies. Both are useful. This does not mean that you should always fully accept what others say about you as truth – but it does mean that you shouldn’t immediately dismiss it. A good barometer is often this: if more than one person says the same thing, it’s probably true, if not in fact than at least in perception. Since perception is reality, I tend to put a lot of stock in it. This is often where most of us get stuck – we don’t like to hear bad things about ourselves, let alone admit that they are true! But this is a key phase, and you need to be strong enough of character to admit that you have a flaw. After you establish a flaw (or an area where you need some improvement, if that sounds better to you), get to work on it! Investigate ways in which you can better yourself in this area, then put them into practice. As with anything change, you need to realize that you will not turn it around in a day (or even a month, necessarily) – be OK with this. Anything worthwhile takes time, and effort. As you actively work on this, give yourself credit for small accomplishments, it will help you continue. Keep your checking mostly internal – that is to say, keep track of your own progress by yourself, with yourself. You can ask friends how you are doing occasionally, but if you do a couple things can happen: 1) they may expect more speedy change than you are capable of; and 2) they may tire of you asking them if you’re “better” than you were before every time you think you’ve done something a bit differently than you “used to.”

What are you working on? For me, current projects include my natural tendency to argue (read “debate,” not the more common negative association of the word), whether that manifests itself as me trying to convince the other person that I’m right and he/she is wrong, or that I always need to say “something” back, as opposed to simply accepting what the other person has to say (whether I agree or not). It’s important to remember that not everything you want to better about yourself has to be in relation to other people – you can seek to improve something solely for your own benefit. I am quite an indecisive person. I’m working on trying to be more decisive, something that typically doesn’t affect other people, but is beneficial for me.

The intelligent, well-rounded, mature person is always seeking ways to better him- or herself. Once you’ve begun on this road, you will see that by improving yourself, you automatically improve everything and everyone around you.

-JMC-

An Interesting Thought...

It is an interesting thing when someone is simultaneously your reason for breathing and the reason you can't breathe.

-JMC-

Things Come Together: A Word of Appreciation

One of the greatest pleasures I have ever experienced is the ability to occasionally sit back and reflect on how so many things in my life have lined up just right, and come together beautifully. It is in these moments that I am most keenly aware of the hand of God in my life, and in these moments I can do nothing but raise my arms in praise and thanksgiving. Some of the things in my life have lined up so perfectly it could not possibly have been accidental. It’s like one of those intricate domino structures, where each domino has to be set up precisely so it knocks over the next in line, or the entire thing won’t work. The Divine hand in my life has set up these dominoes, and put them in places and times so obscure I never saw their order, until I stumbled (directed) into the next piece, and the next set fell over, revealing another portion of the elaborate and beautiful portrait that will be my life.

There are so many instances of this it would take pages to name them all, so I will only describe a few. God saw fit for me to go to Hampton University, so He made that happen. Hampton wasn’t even on my radar until a friend in high school told me they were the only Black school with a sailing team, which I thought was amazing. I applied to about 11 schools, and got into all, with full-ride scholarships to 9 (which would later become a significant number in my life, in more ways than one). Originally, I didn’t even have the full ride to Hampton; when I visited, they said my SAT scores were only sufficient to get me a partial scholarship. I was crushed, and almost walked away in defeat. But God had a plan. In a matter of seconds, the admissions counselor took a second look at my application, and noticed that my ACT scores were high enough to qualify me for the highest scholarship Hampton provided, and she offered it to me on the spot. Domino.

While at Hampton, I decided that I wanted to pledge Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc. Excluding a couple of my father’s siblings on the West Coast, the majority of my family who is Greek, including my mother, are Blue and White. Furthermore, the year I wanted to pledge the chapter of Kappas on campus was suspended, as stated for a period of no less than 5 years. There was no way I would become a Kappa while at Hampton. But God had a plan. My senior year, the moratorium was lifted, and the Kappas were able to have intake – I was blessed to be one of those few who was not only chosen, but, humbly, highly sought-after. Domino.

During this process, I was looking at graduate schools. I had applied to 9 schools. One day randomly, I got a call from an administrator about a visiting professor who was doing some research on high-achieving Black males, and wanted to interview me. Through the interview, it came out that I was pledging Kappa at the time – the professor was a Kappa himself. It also came out that I was interested in higher education – he worked as a professor in a higher ed program – but that I had not applied to his institution, The Pennsylvania State University. He immediately got on the phone with his colleague (in the midst of the interview), and set up several interviews for me during their interview weekend, to which only select individuals were even invited. The result was that prior to ever actually submitting an application for the program, I was extended an offer as one of 9 new cohort members in the #1 program for student affairs in the nation. Domino.

When I finally crossed as a member of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc., I was number 9 on the line. There were many good men on my line, most of which I had been friends with for years. But one particular line brother of mine, the number 4, would become one of my best friends as we continued our journeys outside the walls of Hampton University. As we continued to grow in the Bond together, we found out that our lives were, in many ways, maps of such concurrent properties that one could lay his over the top of the other’s and, without much deviation, trace a line through. Into Hampton, through the Student Leadership Program, Delta Pageants, the crown of Mr. Hampton and Kappa, and now the line has been rejoined once again through the Master’s degree program at Penn State. Our visions have lined up so much that we see many of the same goals, our ideologies so in tune that although we write as two separate authors on this blog, many confuse us for one voice. The Polished Scholars. If that isn’t a Divine hand laying out the dominoes perfectly, I don’t know what is. I would also be remiss if I did not say publically that I thank God for having the foresight and wisdom to send me a brother, in many senses of the word, with whom I could align myself on this journey through manhood and success. Always a receptive ear, a thoughtful ponderance, and an encouraging word. I see myself in him, and the reaffirmation that there are forward-thinking, reflective and good brothers out there – we DO exist. I am excited to see what God has in store for him, and to see what God will achieve through us, as we confront and revolutionize the way we deal with our future wives, children, and anyone else God sees fit to place in our paths.

Truly I believe the scripture – Psalms 37:23: “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.” My steps are ordered, even when I can’t see them. One look back over my life at all that was not supposed to happen, but did, proves this to me. And I can only continue to offer thanksgiving to the One who orders my steps, and walk forward boldly and with excited anticipation, seeing where next my steps will lead.

-JMC-