I guess I’m at the point in my
life where as a man I want to wanted, liked, and appreciated for being more
than attractive. Yes. The subject of this post is fairly obvious and there are
several ways you can come at the subject. So, for the sake of clarity and
brevity I’ll frame how I’m thinking about it and what led me to such thinking.
Earlier this week I was out at a
party having a good time among friends. People were enjoying themselves, drinks
were had, attractive women smiled. A scene I’m all too familiar with. Later on
in the evening I was complimented by a young lady. By young I mean 21 young. It
was flattering and cute but it didn’t hold much weight. I kindly thanked her
and was pretty sure I didn’t want to continue a conversation with her. I was naïve
in knowing that this compliment was her way of making a move. Granted, this too
is a scenario I’m familiar with but somehow in my mind I see it playing out
differently. Nonetheless, a pseudo-conversation ensued wherein I smiled
thanking her for her compliments and such all while alluding to the fact that I
wasn’t interested. The reason I wasn’t interested is because I didn’t get from
her that she wanted to know me beyond me being attractive. I also perceived based
on our conversation that she wouldn’t know what to do with me and would
therefore become disenchanted. What I mean
here is that there is a lot to me and not everyone can appreciate that “a lot”.
That “a lot” entails my love of reading, my fascination with thinking, and a
host of other interests that come along with being me. Those are parts of me
that make up me.
Another part of me is me being
attractive or what some may find physically attractive. I get that. That is
part of me as well but I don’t want that to be all a woman finds attractive
about me because it’s the most superficial and fleeting of one’s qualities. I want the fact that the library is one of my
favorite places to be as equally appealing and satiating as my appearance. Or better,
that she finds my character to enhance my looks. Before I get too far along,
this post isn’t a backwards way of self-aggrandizement. What’s at the heart of
it is that I’m growing. Beauty is not enough for me. I’ve said that before in
reference to women but this time I mean it in regards to me. No longer can I relegate
myself to just coasting on being physically attractive. There’s more. I want
the “Oh he reads” or the “Oh he’s really thoughtful” to be said with as much
delight and conviction as the “Oh he’s cute”.
Though the pseudo-conversation from
this week spurred me to write, it was actually a proxy for the many times it’s happened
where I was content to just be found attractive. I do know now that I do like
to be appreciated for what I have to offer by way of intellect. I think too,
that my sensitivity about this subject stems from me trying to battle the
stereotypes of Black men; two of which being that we’re hypersexualized and non-intelligent. Being aware of the many stereotypes, (some of which I fall prey to)
I conscientiously navigate my interactions with women so as not to lean too
heavily on my looks; because ultimately, I don’t want to be labeled as an ASN
(Ain’t Sh*t N*gga).
This post is also to say that women
finding me attractive in terms of me being “smart”, “intellectual”, or in some
way interesting beyond my looks is still new to me. I do know how I feel when
the opposite sex recognizes and appreciates those qualities and it’s a great
feeling. And I also think they feel the same way when somehow upon our first
meeting we find ourselves in fervent discussion about our latest reads as
opposed to something superficial. Perhaps then introducing a “both and” concept
would help to rectify my issue. I think being both physically attractive and
________ (insert quality) are not mutually exclusive. How they are reconciled
may look different based on the person. How it looks for me is something I’m actively
trying to figure out while yet hoping to be understood and perceived in a more
balanced way.
-WAC, III-
-WAC, III-
